Today I read Haruki Murakami's really long novel "Hard-boiled Wonderland and the End of the World". It was quite an interesting one. TBH, probably I wrote this before, I had met Haruki's novels in my teenage days. Since then, I have tried to read all of his novels even if I have sometimes missed reading his essays (although I can't say I have read all). But today, reading his that one impressed me very well, probably because of my age. I certainly felt another touch that I had felt when I was a teenage student and quite innocent. This might say that I have grown up.
I want to write about his novels in another place, another chance. Being sober and able to read various novels like this is happy for me. Because, until the time when I became 40, I couldn't read novels with a calm mind because I was really a terrible heavy drinker. Every morning I had grief like "Today I must be alive until the day ends" and a disappointment like "I want to die". I started drinking alcohol because I couldn't make any success in my job hunting, but from somewhere it became the purpose "to feed the wish of death".
Willing that I would stop drinking alcohol forever, and I try to stop alcohol 'just for today'. I have lived such days and I can feel that my point of view in me has changed bit by bit. Now I feel certain happiness if I have delicious meals. Or, like today, reading my favorite novels without any trouble, I feel happy. Being into my favorite activities or being surprised at new things in my life, I certainly feel happiness. Now I never feel the wish for death. Indeed, 47 years old is the middle stage of the late stage of life. But maybe my life would start now. I even think so. Of course, that might be a too embarrassing thing...
The core of the reason why I wished for death might be the fact that I had spent my boyhood days with a lot of troubles. But it also is another story. Now I won't hate or curse someone else because I should be a heavy drinker and couldn't enjoy my young days. Because I can get no money even if I cursed someone. Now, I have trustable friends like this and can make various people by some pieces of knowledge I had gotten from books and music (or journalism and academism). That might be me. Basically, I am not good at fighting or discussing. Maybe I will quit Twitter.
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