エッセイ投棄ポイント

【Record】26th September 2024

I collapsed.

If you are preparing for a funeral bell, it's not necessary. I needed a death knell, but it was too late.

Today I had my second bout of dissociative amnesia. Well, maybe it tried to help me. Unfortunately, there is no value. Rather it is poison for my struggle.

"Quo Vadis", 1949. Noboru Kitawaki. That is today's cover image of this article.

(Are you reading this article on Kakuyomu? Wow, then it would not make sense! If you have time, please read my FANBOX. "Quo Vadis" is a good painting. I guarantee it.)

I am not recognized as a human being. I am crippled, a nuisance, and retarded. And I don't intend to end up a snail.

This year, 15 of my friends have died. There are suicide notes and several videos of the moment of their deaths.

But is it true?

Isn't that proof that I'm paranoia?

How on earth am I to prove that I am that pathetic Kumamoto resident who started writing novels 26 years ago, making videos 16 years ago, and then became seriously ill with all kinds of diseases?

Nothing. It is impossible for me.

I have been helped by many people for a long time. However, now my memories are fading away like the legacy of the abandoned bubble economy.

Calm judgment. This is presumed to be "depression," "schizophrenia," or "bipolar disorder."

Also, when it comes to sleep disorders, "narcolepsy," "idiopathic hypersomnia," or "Kleine Levin Syndrome" may be considered.

Nevertheless, there is one hard fact.

I am so tired.

Now, all my memories are blurred. I am not human. I don't want to be human.

Thus, here the problem arises. This crazy thinking, all sorts of Misanthropy my brain's interior.

Is this really the conclusion I have drawn?

Therefore, I most certainly can't believe it myself.

Untreatable. Emotions, diseases, and many beautiful memories.

I lost confidence that it had really happened.

Consequently, I choose. To walk. Go forward. There's no time to get tired. Hope and despair, all of nothing.

Ah, Wait!

It does not mean these worthless, but there are things more important to me. Life is not beautiful, but then is not mournful. Or not stressful.

At least for me, it is a revolution. The logic is different from any historical. For example, by Cromwell, by Blanqui, and by Marx. I need no Lord Protector, Blanquism, Marxism, and several Anarchism. Ossified Principles, those like a "bamboo spine." Yes, the word is a well-known feature of my incurable disease.

Spinal disease is a misery. The sickness is so painfully.

However, and that is why, I live. I will live. And I am going to stand against every possible difficulties.