The most feared thing for humans.

Perhaps it is not death.

But when one faces death and accepts it, what does one think and what does one desire the most?

Maybe the answer is different for each person.

Death may be both an end and a beginning of a new ritual.

The role of a doctor. It is to provide relief for the people who suffer from pain and illness.

The doctor does not cure the disease, nor does he or she empathize with it, let alone make the patient feel understood.

It is the natural healing power of the person that heals the disease and the wound.

The doctor just... tries to ease the pain and prolong the life as much as possible.

Doctors are not gods or anything. Doctors are also human beings.

Therefore.

One can lose oneself. It can happen to anyone.

One thinks one is right.

And that thought creates one's values and pushes one forward.

One makes it a virtue and before one knows it, one goes beyond the frame of "oneself" and loses one's way.

In other words, oneself is ego. A person who cannot see oneself.

Associate Professor Jyoumi says.

"I was already unable to see myself at that time."

He takes out another cigarette.

"Sorry," he smiles and lights it up.

At that time, I was too confident in my own skills. I thought I was perfect in everything I did.

And I had unnecessary jealousy towards Mayumi-kun.

Now that I think about it, I feel like I made nothing but terrible mistakes.

She was calm. And she never lost her ego.

Maybe it was because you were by her side.

She said once.

"Tanabe-sensei is still a beginner as a surgeon. He is someone who needs to accumulate more experience and knowledge. But he has a heart that cares for people. He understands people's pain. And above all, he understands the pain of the heart. That's why he may not be suited for being a surgeon. But he tries to face himself. He always faces his own existence, and the patients, and me. That's why I can do my duty as a surgeon without losing sight of myself."

Unfortunately, there was no one who could make me realize that... by my side.

"Professor Jyoumi, please look at this."

She points to a part of the MRI image.

"Hepatocellular adenoma. She fell from a platform at home while trying to get something on top of a chest of drawers. She fell in a way that protected her baby in her belly, bruising her pelvis. Considering she was 28 weeks pregnant, she may have had pelvic fatigue already. And something fell on her chest from above. Luckily, the fetus was not affected by the impact. But it stimulated the hepatocellular adenoma that she had already developed, and she bled over time."

Iwamisita-kun told me without hesitation.

There was no abnormal contrast in the head MRI.

If what she said was true, I might have triggered the cause by doing this procedure.

I glanced back at the operating table and saw fluid flowing down from the lower part of the patient.

"Doctor, she has ruptured membranes." The nurse tells me.

"Both mother and fetus have low heart rate."

"Please call the obstetrician urgently."

"Iwamisita-kun, what are you trying to do?"

"Deliver her."

"What, what are you saying? It's hard for the mother in this condition. Isn't the basic principle to prioritize the mother?"

"Yes, but that doesn't change the fact that both are in danger. Even if we give up on the fetus and prioritize the mother, she won't make it. The only best thing we can do is to save these two lives."

"Why can you say that to me so confidently? I'm Jyoumi. Do you know that?"

"Yes, because you are Professor Jyoumi, I'm saying this. You gave me the task of writing reports on case studies voluntarily. The number of cases was much more than what I could learn by actually doing surgery. It was the same thing as what you taught me. Even if it was a chore..."

I couldn't say anything.

She had made all the chores I had dumped on her her own.

It was all my achievements until then.

I felt humbled.

It's true that surgeons are all about the field. The number of times you hold a scalpel determines your skill, or so they say.

But data supports surgeons from all sides.

I had lost sight of how much clinical cases could make me my own, and how they could lead to instant judgment and action on the spot.

I was too confident in my own skills at that time, and I turned my eyes away from what I had done in the past, or rather from my past self.

Maybe it was thanks to you, Tanabe-sensei, that she was able to rise to that level.

She really loved you.

As a mentor, as a colleague, and as a person she loved with all her heart...

I also knew about her illness and told her to focus on treatment many times, but she was struggling a lot.

If she started treatment seriously, the impact on the fetus would be immeasurable.

No, at nine weeks, the only option was to give up, she knew that very well herself.

But she researched the methods that would put the least burden on the fetus and applied them to herself.

That notebook was all a mirror of Mayumi-kun career as a doctor.

She wrote it all down so that you could understand it now.

You too, or rather everyone as a surgeon, are counting only the number of times you hold a scalpel in this current situation of surgery.

But she polished her skills and valued the data, and she wanted to be a surgeon not just as a soldier who goes to the field, but as a person, as an individual.

Tanabe-sensei, for your sake....

But human fate is really fleeting.

When she was rescuing the person who was hit by a runaway car at the scene.

Who would have thought that the material that the car crashed into would attack her...

It's really unfortunate.

No... I'm so frustrated,

As a person, not as a boss, and as a mere surgeon...

I casually flipped through the blue notebook to the end.

On the last page, there was a sentence written like this.

"I hope you can see Koichi's best smile..."

As soon as I saw it, the sadness that I couldn't let go of until now, in my heart, deep in my chest, overflowed all at once.

The tears flowed out, hot tears ran down my cheeks.

I couldn't even see the letters in the notebook, or breathe, or anything. Everything in my sight was erased by tears.

Professor Jyoumi just quietly looked at me through his eyes.

He arranged for me to work part-time at a municipal hospital in the same group for a while. Without leaving my seat at this university hospital.

"No matter what surgeon you are, you can't sew up your heart. And doctors are not healers. It's up to the person to heal their disease. We can only ease their pain and suffering..."

That was what Professor Jyoumi said to me when I moved from this hospital to the municipal hospital.

The notebook that Mayumi left for me was what she wrote to tell me her feelings as a doctor, with the time she had left...

No, as a doctor.

I face the patients who are brought to the emergency center with that notebook and Mayumi always together.

Next to me holding the scalpel is always...

Mayumi is by my side.

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The copyright of this novel belongs to "Etuha Sakakihara さかき原枝都は".

Copying or resembling this novel is prohibited.

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emergency doctor

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