前のエピソード――第12話 August 1984 --Chapter 12--

　　　Melba remained silent for a while.

　　　Uttering no word, I kept gazing at her face.

　　　 "I had been mulling over my stepfather's attitude this way or that. But they no longer mattered, did they?" Melba slowly resumed her story, carefully selecting her words. "Our family needed big money immediately, no matter where it might come from. We were not in such a situation any more as we could leisurely discuss about the possibility of my going to college. There was no time for me to keep holding on o a optimistic picture I had drawn before, in which I was going to stay home while doing some sort of handwork, continue preparing for an entrance examination to a college one year later, while Stepfather was working somewhere. Now, only thing I could do was to work hard at Sakura. And, since that wouldnft be sufficient, I had to try to earn as much money as I could by visiting Japan as soon as possible. ..There was no room for me to dream of something surreal as if being hypnotized.

　　　"The following day, once I became alone on a bus returning to Manila, 'Ate', a variety of angers rapidly filled up my mind. First of all, against my parents who had shown almost no sympathy for my dream, no matter how bad our family's financial situation was. ..Well, I guess, I wished I had heard some words like, 'Melba, we understand very well how seriously you want to go to college.' 'We regret from the bottom of our hearts that we're unable to give you college education right now.'

　　　"And next, against myself who, as if being a young child with no idea at all n her family's financial situation, had told about Mr. Takano's offer to my parents who had had no other choice than to ask me to keep working as a karaoke hostess.

　　　"Then... Against Mr. Takano, 'Ate' Trina, who had forced me to see my dream being crashed in fragments after all, after making me dream of a college life again despite my conviction that I had been destined to abandon such a dream.

　　　"No. Of course, that's not what actually happened, 'Ate'. My dream came to an ultimate end because of my family's bad financial situation, not because of his offer, didn't it? However, I was so depressed and confused in my mind at that time that I came to think, 'If Mr. Takano hadn't offered such an aid...' '..I coul'fve continued dreaming of my college life much longer.' '..Would've been working as a karaoke hostess while picturing somewhat better future life of mine, holding on to the dream, being encouraged by the dream.' 'After all, I'm forced to live my life without any dream from now on, thanks to his offer.'

　　　"When the bus arrived in Ermita, Mr. Takano was totally a villain, an evil man, somewhere in my dark mind. ..He was a culprit who had destroyed my small, last dream.

　　　"Indeed, that was a helplessly dismal bus trip. ..When I sat on my bed in our dormitory later on, very exhausted, I felt myself being a person who had seen the very bottom of deep desperation."

　　　　　　　　　　-----

　　　I did not find any word to console her: For I was wondering if what Melba had seen was really the very bottom of deep desperation: For I could not help but feel that, unfortunately, she was too young to declare that she had seen it.

　　　"And that's the reason," Melba went on, "why I no longer could behave as warmly to Mr. Takano as I had done before going back to Batangas. ..Sakura opened at seven o'clock in that evening as usual. Time passed so fast. I became more nervous as time passed by, just like when I had been on the bus to my hometown. I was trying hard to keep myself as calm as I could so that I wouldn't mess up anything with Mr. Takano anymore.

　　　"Mr. Takano finally showed up around nine o'clock. ..With his face being stiffened a little. Having enjoyed a short chat with mama Lisa, he asked mama to send me to his table, apparently. ..I couldn't directly see his face. I kept my eyes away from him while I somehow managed to say, 'Konbannwa (Good evening)'. My head was filled up with the thought that I had to tell him clearly what was on my mind, before anything else, because, I thought, I couldn't afford to make the same mistake I had made in Batangas, that was, I wasn't able to say what I had to.

　　　"So, right after exchanging some plain greetings with him, before being asked by him how my visit to Batangas had been or the like, I hurriedly told him, 'I can't accept that offer.'"

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　　　"What was Takano-san's reaction?" I asked Melba.

　　　"He appeared very disappointed. ..Very, very. ..Even looked saddened, deeply. ..I wasn't prepared to see him reacting in such a manner. So, I got perplexed... Well, because my mind had been totally covered with what my parents had told me about him, I had anticipated that, after finding his scheme to trick me had failed, he would surely get mad, and kick me out of his table, and then ask for a girl or two to replace me, otherwise, might at once jump up to his feet and leave Sakura angrily.

　　　"Mr. Takano remained silent for a few minutes. Then, he asked me almost with a sigh, 'What are you so angry about, Melba?' ..I hadn't been caring at all how I would look to him. I noticed for the first time how callous my facial expression had been.

　　　"I answered him, 'I'm not angry about anything.' But my voice obviously wasn't sweet as the ones I usually uttered to my friends or customers. Looking back at that, Ate, now I know, I couldn't be any ruder to him than that.

　　　"Consequently, I became even more confused when Mr. Takano asked me with the same gentle tone as before, 'By the way, Melba, how were your mother and sisters doing there?' Killing such perplexity in me, and hiding Mother's worsening illness, I bleakly answered him, 'They were all fine.' ..But, strangely, Mr. Takano sitting just next to me didn't look to be an evil man or villain at all, unlike I had thought he would be, on the bus returning to Manila. Well, to be exact, 'Ate', he looked to be as good a man with no evil mind at all in him as he had actually been. ..My brain started getting baffled even more.

　　　"It was me who fell into silence, this time. Mr. Takano stayed there chain-smoking, not mad, not trying to replace me with anybody else, unlike I had been convinced he would. ..Not asking me any more questions.

　　　"So I was truly relieved when he said he had to leave. ..However, such relief didnft last very long. No sooner had Mr. Takano left Sakura than I started worrying if I might have made an uncorrectable mistake. ..If it might have been really wrong that I had acted to him like that.

　　　"I was absent-minded for a long while after that. ..And then, by the time Sakura was about to close, what my parents had told me, that is, what I had come to believe after all, had begun sounding to me totally differently."

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　　　"Mr. Takano didn't show up for a few days." Melba went on with her story. "Well, four days, to be exact. And such a thing had never happened before. So, I was worried very much, speculating that he might've been mad at my attitude, in fact, somewhere deep in his mind the other night, in spite of his calm demeanor.

　　　"When I was asked by mama Lisa if I knew how Mr. Takano was doing and what was happening to him, I was at a loss, unable to respond her immediately. Well, I somehow answered her, 'I have no idea, mama,' but it seemed more than obvious to me that he hadn't shown up to Sakura for such many days because I had declined his offer in such a rude manner. ..That's what I believed then, anyway.

　　　"As time passed, I came to wonder why Mr. Takano had become so disappointed as to look as if he were truly distressed by my decline of his offer. And then, I started questioning what on earth had made him offer me a chance to go to college, to begin with, while suspecting at another corner of my mind that it might be impossible for any person who looked so gentle and innocent to deceive somebody. ..However, no answer to that particular question came to me promptly.

　　　"It was not so long after that that I started feeling I had been lucky not to have told Mr. Takano any more than what I had actually told him. ..That is, things like what my parents had told me about him. ..A lot of mistakes. My thought wavered enormously from one thing to another every time something new occurred to me. I really think, 'Ate' Trina, I was so immature and ignorant at that time though those days were not too long ago."