”Drifting about in Dreams” ~Memoir of a Karaoke Singer~

第11話 August 1984 --Chapter 11--

　　　A young couple of a slender, medium-height, white man and a short Filipina came into the show-restaurant, hand in hand, cheerfully laughing. From his hair-do, suntan and the muscles in his arms and chest, I guessed the man in a green polo shirt and gray jeans must have been an American sailor having come out of Subic Naval Base in Olongapo to enjoy his short vacation in Manila. And the way the woman acted and made up herself was suggesting that she, in a light-blue mini one-piece dress, might be a swimsuit dancer who worked at one of a couple dozens of bars in Ermita.

　　　Pointing at the empty stage, the young man whispered something into the young woman's ear. Her laughter got louder. A waiter, different from the one who had approached us, dutifully came out to take orders from the couple. The woman shook her head several times to the waiter, and started walking toward the nearest exit, pulling the man's arm. The man unwillingly followed her, throwing a few obscene words to the waiter.

　　　Once again, the restaurant was very quiet, just as before they had appeared.

　　"It seems, 'Ate', that there are a lot more people in this world who must save money for some reason than we think?" Melba was trying to smile, to stop her tears.

　　　"Indeed." I said, and responded to Melba's hard-worked humor with my poor one. "I'm happy to know we aren't only ones in this very difficult world."

　　　　　　　　　　-----

　　　The forced smile seemed to have helped Melba change her mood. She had regained herself when she resumed her story.

　　　"A few weeks ago, 'Ate' Trina, I almost lost one very important friend of mine.

　　　"Oh, you did?" I responded, while being totally unsure who the friend of hers had been.

　　　Melba went on. "Mr. Takano was my first customer, too." 　　　"Was he?" Though my voice may have sounded calm to her, I was truly disturbed deep in my mind, for I had not anticipated her topic would return to him so abruptly. "So, you mean, Melba, that friend of yours was Takano-san, don't you?"

　　　"Yes, 'Ate'. In my first evening at Sakura..." Melba's eyes were fixed at the surface of the wooden table. "Kindly considering my situation, mama Lisa gave me the kindest and most caring person among Sakura's regular patrons. And that was Mr. Takano. ..Well, to be true, I didn't see him that way at that particular evening: For we didn't converse long enough for me to judge if Mr. Takano was truly such kind and caring a patron. He didn't speak too much, and even looked sullen sometimes."

　　　　　　　　　　-----

　　　"That was the evening I was at work as a karaoke singer-hostess for the first time in my life." Melba continued. "..Without knowing how to carry out my job at all. Besides, Mr. Takano was one of those Japanese whom I had never met, never directly talked, that means, didn't know anything about. So, I had completely no idea what and how to talk with him. That was why I fell in silence awkwardly, many times.

　　　"It was Mr. Takano who tried to keep our conversation alive, to avoid such awkwardness between us, by intermittently asking me questions about my family. For that matter, yes, he was a very kind person.

　　　"But I wasn't prepared to open my mind freely or to act open-mindedly in that evening. So, what I answered to Mr. Takano were limited to such things as where I had come from, how old I was, how many sisters I had and something similar to those. ..Only the things I vaguely felt, 'They won't hurt me.'"

　　　　　　　　　　-----

　　　The fact that Takano-san, whatever the reason, had not asked me any of such personal questions in the previous night unexpectedly hit me. And I was grateful not to have been asked. If asked, I must have been troubled much more seriously than Melba had been in answering his questions.

　　　Melba went on. "I may have been trying to maintain my little pride or something like that, as much as I could, if I had any, by not talking about my own private life. For, if I talked, I thought, those stories about myself might sound only miserable to a Japanese who happened to be in this country."

　　　I nodded my consent to her because I knew I myself had almost too many things that I could not be very proud to reveal to anyone, even to close friends of mine, much less to a passing-by foreigner whom I just had happened to come across.

　　　Melba added. "As a matter of fact, Mr. Takano was merely a foreigner whom I met for the first time almost accidentally, wasn't he? ..Whom I might never see again?"

　　　　　　　　　　-----

　　　"Nevertheless," said Melba, "I couldn't help revealing to Mr. Takano about the fact that I had had huge desire to study in college. Well, I don't think I slyly calculated, like, 'This portion of my previous life might sound even to him -a person I just met- somewhat beautiful or something.' Instead... That was my very first evening at Sakura. So, I just couldn't contain myself very well at that evening, 'Ate'. I suddenly became so unreserved as to tell such story of mine to a person who was called by mama Lisa the kindest and most caring patron among regulars. And, no question, I wasn't anticipating at all that my talking of my desire like that would cause such big confusion between Mr. Takano and myself later on."

　　　"Big confusion?"

　　　"Yes, 'Ate' Trina. That was, indeed, big confusion. However, as for that particular evening, the only confusion, so to speak, was that Mr. Takano became silent all of a sudden, without a word for a while, after hearing me say, 'I wish I could return to my school life someday. ..As soon as possible.' In fact, I got driven into great uneasiness by such abrupt silence of his, being left totally uncertain of what to talk with him next."

　　　　　　　　　　-----

　　　"It was two days later that Mr. Takano truly surprised me." Melba was looking into my eyes as if asking me to guess what the surprise had been.

　　　I shook my head.

　　　Melba went on. "Out of the blue, Mr. Takano told me that he would support me financially until my graduation from a college if my family situation would permit. ..That he would pay for me all the tuition as well as the fees and costs necessary for me to complete college education. ..Finalizing his words, 'So, why don't you give it one serious thought, Melba?'"

　　　"Oh, he did?" said I. But, for some reason, I was not too surprised with the offer Takano-san had made to Melba. Instead, I just recalled the self-contemptuous wry smile he had shown me in the previous night.

　　　　　　　　　　-----

　　　"Mr. Takano was very serious. From his manner, I could see that his offer had come from nothing but his true sincerity. However, I didn't take the offer too seriously. Or rather, I tried not to. ..At least, for the initial few minutes.

　　　"Well, that's because, 'Ate', I did'ft think that there were too many people in the world who wanted to be so kind to a person whom they had met for the first time only two days before. Are there? Could I be so shameless as to accept willingly such an offer from a person whom I didn't know virtually anything about? I thought his offer was surreal. I convinced myself that such an offer couldn't come to me in the real life.

　　　"Oh yes. Mr. Takano was the person whom mama Lisa called the kindest and most caring patron among regulars. But he was nothing more than that to me. No matter how kind and caring, he was a person who had nothing to do with my private life. There shouldn't be any reason for me to give any thought to such an offer from such a person. And that was why I didn't even come up with a question, like, 'What on his mind pressed himself to offer me that kind of help?' ..I could've asked myself such a question under different circumstances, retrospectively speaking.

　　　"On the other hand, 'Ate' Trina, I was so happy at that moment, to be honest, because I had found there was at least one person in the world who seemed to understand how strongly I wanted to have more school education, whoever he was, even if he was a foreigner whom I knew virtually nothing about.

　　　"And maybe because I was in such a happy feeling, my attitude toward him softened much more quickly than I can imagine. By the time he was about to leave Sakura, I found myself having returned a half nod to his words, 'I really want you, Melba, to seriously consider accepting my offer.' Well, to be more accurate, I answered him that I would check up the possibility of my going back to school, although I had no real intention at all to do so, perhaps. ..Mr. Takano named it my homework."

　　　　　　　　　　-----

　　　"I was aware what kind of fate I was trapped in, 'Ate'." Melba continued. "Well, I used to enjoy conversation with my former high school classmates on how our futures had to be, what it would look like, and the like, until a few months ago. I told them I wanted to major education in college to become a schoolteacher like my mother, if a chance was given to me. At those times, my future still looked somewhat rosy whatever financial condition my family was actually in. But, when Mr. Takano suddenly offered me that financial aid, I knew clearly all those days were over. I knew I no longer had any rosy future, ..ever since I had made up my mind to work as a karaoke singer for my family.

　　　"So, there should be no chance for me to spare any time for that homework, no matter what I had answered to Mr. Takano. I had no intention to do so.

　　　"Nonetheless, 'Ate', I couldn't sleep well that night, failing to ignore Mr. Takano's offer, giving my thought to one thing after another, although most of them were too dreamy or even ludicrous to myself when I calmly look back at them now."

　　　　　　　　　　-----

　　　"And then, the next morning, I was a different person." Melba sighed. "I'm embarrassed to tell you this, Ate, but I had eventually come to think like these: 'Why is it me, instead of my stepfather, who has to work for all of my family members?' 'How come my stepfather has been sticking around his hometown where he can't find any job that gives him enough income to support his family?' 'Why does he stay home while tens of thousands of fathers in this country work even abroad to support their families?' 'Is that because there are still very young daughters in his family?' 'Because his wife's illness is getting worse?' 'Hey, I can take care of my mother and sisters, cant I?' 'What kind of must situation is he in to keep himself at home?'

　　　"My thought didn't end there. Eventually, I came to think, 'If my stepfather seeks his job more earnestly and works more industriously, no matter what the job may be, no matter where he may find it, I may possibly be attending college one year from today.' 'That means that I'll be a schoolteacher in only several years and be somehow able to help my family with my salary if only Stepfather works just hard enough to survive our family's current financial trouble, doesn't it?' And from that point, it didn't take too long a time before I came to think, 'Is it wrong for me to ask my parents to reconsider our family's on-going plan to escape from the financial difficulty we are facing?'

　　　"To be strange looking back, when I decided to work as a karaoke singer a few months ago, I didn't have any thought like, 'Stepfather should be the one who has to work for our family.' I think I was telling myself then that I had to be a good daughter as much as I could because it was the time my parents were in the most difficult situation of their life. ..See, 'Ate'? I was totally different a person only half day after Mr. Takano's offer from what I had been only a few months before."

　　　　　　　　　　-----

　　　"However," Melba went on, "to think something in my mind was one thing, and to tell my parents about Mr. Takano's offer and ask them to allow me to learn in college was another. In the real world, that kind of offer couldn't be real, I thought. ..Do you go to college, for six years, being aided all the money you need to complete your education? ..By a foreigner whom you've met only a couple of times recently as his serving hostess at a karaoke saloon?

　　　"Mr. Takano subtly asked me the next few consecutive evenings, 'Are you doing fine with your homework?' And when he asked that question, his voice sounded to me much kinder and even more caring than, I think, mama Lisa had implied. ..I answered to him every time, 'I'm still checking it up, Mr. Takano.'

　　　"One evening, Mr. Takano told me, 'In case you accepted my offer, Melba, I would like you to send me things that show me how well you're enjoying your college life, such as your pictures taken on your campus upon occasion and your test results, for example. ..No matter where and how I live at those future times. I think I'll be very happy looking at those things.' And he added, 'That's all I ask.'

　　　"My pictures taken on a college campus? Test results? ..Those pictures that Mr. Takano had drawn as my future life were totally different from the ones I myself had been drawing before. Right? While I was giving my ear to such his request, to be honest with you, Ate, I already started dreaming of my own dream: A much brighter dream."

　　　　　　　　　　-----

　　　"Two days after Mr. Takano requested me all those things, 'Ate' Trina, all of a sudden, I found some answers to my own question 'How come my stepfather...'" Melba said. "And they were very shocking even to myself. ..Can you guess what they were, 'Ate'?"

　　　She did not need my answer and said. "Initially I began to suspect, 'Ate', that the true reason why my stepfather didn't want to leave his hometown might be his never-go-away dream to return to a school in his hometown district as a teacher, rather than his still-very-young daughters or his wife's worsening illness. And eventually, I was fully convinced that he was truly dreaming of his return to his old job that he was so accustomed to: A job that he could do best while receiving somewhat of respect from his hometown people who had known him for a long time: A job that might be much less physically demanding to him than any labor work.

　　　"In reality, he wasn't in such a situation as he could dream of anything like that, was he? There still was a possibility that my mother, too, might get fired with the same cause Stepfather had been fired for. Right? ..I couldn't help but think, 'It's not fair if he was dreaming such a dream when I'm working very hard for my entire family, sacrificing my own dream.'

　　　"Well, 'Ate', such conviction of mine may have been totally off the mark. But at that time, I found no other reasons. I was just convinced so. Looking back at it, my desire for higher education, seemingly, wasn't gone away totally yet at that time though I believed I had made up my mind very firmly to be a karaoke singer for a while in my life. ..My desire to learn more in college had been resurrected by Mr. Takano's offer in such a manner as I put some accusation on my stepfather.'

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　　　"I chose to take a chance, 'Ate'. ..Telling myself that there might still be some room for my dream to come true. In fact, it still was a possibility that I would be attending college next year, helped by Mr. Takano, if my stepfather made his thought on his job very realistic, that is, if he gave up his unrealistic dream to work as a schoolteacher again and started working very hard either in Manila or in Saudi Arabia, or wherever. Wasn't it? Well, that's what I thought then, anyway.

　　　"The next thing I had to do seemed to be to throw at my parents my question that I had never thought of a few months earlier: 'Why is it me who has to work now, Mother? Father?'

　　　"In the following evening, while forcefully containing my own suspicion in a corner of my mind that I might be doing something my parents wouldn't be too happy with, I finally answered to Mr. Takano that I would talk to my parents about his kind offer, during my homecoming to Batangas on my first off day.

　　　"Mr. Takano said to me, 'May that work out well for you!' But those words of his sounded to me as if they had been thrown to himself."