”Drifting about in Dreams” ~Memoir of a Karaoke Singer~

第10話 August, 1984 --Chapter 10 --

　　　Melba and I were in chairs near the stage of the show-restaurant in which no one else was present. Despite a few large windows, it was rather dim inside the restaurant because of the tall, leafy trees surrounding the building.

　　　And affected by such a setting, I was inclined to suspect, once again, 'She may have had an intention, from the beginning, to bring me here and talk more about Takano-san.'

　　　A waiter appeared from nowhere and approached us, unwillingly. Melba simply waved him away. And we were all alone again in the large restaurant.

　　　Casting my eyes at the back of the waiter, I asked Melba jokingly, hoping it might get rid of the uneasiness I was feeling, 'Can't we have even a glass of soda here, Melba?"

　　　"Certainly not. We can't." She answered me with mock seriousness. "Because, on the streets outside, we can have the same drink, I guess, at one third of the price here."

　　　No sooner had she said so than her smile disappeared, however. "Well, I have to save as much money as I can for my younger sisters, 'Ate' Trina."

　　　"What a good older sister you are!"

　　　Melba smiled shyly. And the smile did not last long. "At least, as much as I can buy some chocolates for them, by my next off day."

　　"So, you're the oldest daughter in your family?"

　　　"Yes, I am, like many of the girls working at Sakura. You too, 'Ate'?"

　　　"I'm not. ..Fortunately." I answered her, and asked myself if I had experienced any fortunate moment because of my not-being the oldest daughter in my family.

　　　"Indeed, you are fortunate." Melba said, sighing. "To be honest with you, 'Ate', I've cursed of my fate being the oldest daughter, at least, a few times in my life."

　　　　　　　　　　-----

　　　I was relieved. Seemingly, my suspicion had been wide of the mark. Melba's story was apparently heading toward something that had nothing to do with Takano-san.

　　　"Above all," Melba went on, "I'll never forget the day my uncle -my mother's older brother- came to our house in Batangas and told us that he had finally found a job for me as a karaoke singer, if not hostess."

　　　I nodded empathy for Melba, feeling as if I were directly seeing her dejection on that particular day.

　　　"I didn't know at all what the karaoke was, what the karaoke meant, when the uncle brought out the word for the first time. He explained to me, told me of everything he had found out in Manila about both karaoke and cultural-dance businesses."

　　　"Now I see, that's why, Melba," said I, "you already knew to that extent what karaoke and cultural dance businesses would or would not do for you, even before you entered either world."

　　　"Yes. The uncle came to Batangas to persuade me to go into the karaoke world. ..To persuade me by hinting initially, then later, bluntly telling me that I was the oldest daughter of my family, so consequently I had the heaviest responsibility among all daughters in the family to help my parents improve our whole family's welfare. He eventually pressed me to the way where no other choices were available for me, by adding, 'Now that your stepfather is out of job, and yet, even more unfortunately, your mother is in very bad health.'"

　　　　　　　　　　-----

　　　My eyes were fixed at Melba's.

　　　To my great surprise, however, her eyes were not showing any tint of agitation, uneasiness or anger. To be more accurate, she was tremendously resolute.

　　　She said. "I was clearly aware what my being the oldest daughter in my family meant. I was convinced I knew how to live as the oldest daughter. However, what the uncle was telling me was way too different from what I had projected for my life. The picture he was portraying as my future life was totally outrageous to me giving unhappy ears to him, to say the least.

　　　"He told me, 'Become a karaoke singer and sing Japanese songs.' 'Work in Manila, entertaining Japanese customers.' 'Go to Japan and work hard there.' 'Earn in Japan the money your family desperately needs.' ..Listening to him, I thought many times, 'Wait a second, Uncle,' then, 'What is that karaoke?' 'A singer who entertains Japanese customers?' 'What is he talking about?' 'Who the heck are those Japanese in Manila?' 'Where in Manila are those Japanese?' ..Before that day, I had visited Manila a couple of times with my parents -true parents- but never seen a Japanese there. I had never given a thought to the fact, like, that plenty of Japanese are working in this country for their companies and we also have a lot of Japanese tourists or sightseers visiting Manila.

　　　"Of course, at the end, I was informed very well that a karaoke singer was, simply speaking, a hostess who works to entertain mostly Japanese customers at a pub, bar or saloon where they drink alcohol and enjoy singing, that is, a karaoke singer was merely a hostess who can sing Japanese songs for and with her Japanese customers. Nonetheless, I was extremely confused. I was scared almost to death by what the uncle had told me. At any rate, that was a world I had never dreamed of. A world beyond all my imagination."

　　　　　　　　　　-----

　　　Having taken a breath, Melba asked me. "Are you bored with this kind of story, 'Ate' Trina? This is a kind of story you've already heard many times, isn't it?"

　　　"How can I be bored?" Hurriedly answered I. "Well, yes, I know there are lots of such stories around us. But one story is always different from another. Each story has its own fact. You are the one who can speak of your own fact, Melba."

　　　She heaved a sigh.

　　　Hearing the sigh, I wondered what kind of my own fact I myself had. But the answer did not come out immediately. Well, my fact may have been too complicated to come up quickly enough onto my mind in an orderly manner.

　　　　　　　　　　-----

　　　After some moments, I asked Melba, although it appeared almost obvious that her mother had not gotten well yet because Melba was still at Sakura working as a karaoke singer. "How is your mother doing now?"

　　　"She is not doing very well. Seemingly, diabetes and high blood pressure have been worsening at the same time."

　　　"Very bad?"

　　　"Yes. When I went back home on my last off day, Mother told me that, according to her doctor, she needed in-hospital treatment as soon as possible. ..She had to have an intensive care. Well, my mother is forty years old. And she gave birth to her fourth daughter -my half sister- about half a year ago, disregarding her doctor's warning. And now her doctor says that the physical burden during her pregnancy and hard labor were the causes of her worsening illness."

　　　　　　　　　　-----

　　　Momentarily, I could not find any word to console Melba: For I was wondering if her stepfather's having lost his job and her mother's illness were truly the worst fortune she and her family had to face: For I was caught by ominous intuition that, like many of karaoke girls in Manila, she, too, might come across much more difficult problems from then on than the ones she had had when she had entered the karaoke world.

　　　Melba continued her story. "I believe Mother wanted her boyfriend's baby at any cost, to show people that her life with him -now my stepfather- was much happier than with her ex-husband -my real father.

　　　"Mother wanted to prove her happiness in such a move, even endangering her own health. ..She got separated a few years ago from her husband -my real father, that is, my two sisters' -Rosa and Maria's- father, too. ..After many months of terrible discord with him."

　　　　　　　　　　-----

　　　"My mother is a public schoolteacher..." Melba went on.

　　　I cut in. "Oh, that's why..."

　　　"That's why?"

　　　"You speak so... So rational, Melba."

　　　"Do I?" She smiled bashfully.

　　　"I'm not sure about that, 'Ate' Trina. ..Anyway, my mother," Melba rushed back to her topic, "lkes to teach children. She really likes to see those children learn and grow. She is proud of being a teacher and enjoys her job very much. On the other hand... I can't tell when it started, 'Ate', but my father -real father- became quite disapproving of her working as a teacher He came to think he didn't want her to work not only at a school but also anywhere outside home. Well, my initial guess was that he did'ft want to be seen as a husband who had a financial reason to have his wife work outside home.

　　　"As a matter of fact, the father owns a pawn shop, though it's not a big one. So, yes, 'Ate', I've grown up in a relatively rich family in that rural town."

　　　"That's also no surprise to me, Melba." I responded.

　　　"Therefore, financially speaking, my mother didn't have to work outside home. Father had enough financial resource to tell Mother to devote herself to taking care of her own children at home. But Mother wanted to keep her job by all means and Father opposed it persistently. ..The conflict between them got worse as time passed. ..So observed I.

　　　"People say I look just like my mother. So, yes, 'Ate', you can say that she is a woman way far from being called beautiful..."

　　　"Melba!" I raised my voice. "You shouldn't say such a thing. That's not good 'for both your mother and yourself. And itfs true that I seldom see girls whose eyes are as lovable as yours, Melba. You are really an attractive young woman."

　　　"As I presumed last night, you're a very caring woman, 'Ate' Trina." she beamed. "Thank you. But... Anyway, my mother is very kind and considerate to other people around, instead. And she is very intelligent, too. So there appears someone who gets attracted by her charms like those."

　　　　　　　　　　-----

　　　"I haven't yet figured out how compassion works between a man and a woman..." Melba hesitated for a few moments.

　　　"You haven't?"

　　　"No. But, anyway, Ate, my mother eventually fell in love with a schoolteacher who belonged to the same school district she was working for. I think he showed my mother his deep understanding of both her desire to keep working as a teacher and her difficult relationship with my father. Well, Mother has never told me how she felt about him, but she appeared to be very grateful of his understanding.

　　　"Gossip finds its way out easily, doesn't it, 'Ate'? So it was a matter of time, I think, that Father heard of what was happening between his wife and the teacher. Not too long later, Father started his savage and cruel action to Mother: He began to beat her, apparently, consciously avoiding her head and face."

　　　Melba shook her head several times. "There may be very few children in the world, I believe, who experience such dreadful days, for such many months, as I myself and my very young sisters actually did. We didn't have any asylum to escape to from the fight between our parents. And the fight was repeated almost every day in some form. Well, the fact is, they quarreled inside the house, usually having had our housemaid take us out before things got very ugly. But we heard some of Father's very angry voice and Mother's scream, inevitably."

　　　　　　　　　　-----

　　　"One day, when Father went out to do his job," Melba continued, "Mother finally ran away from Father to her boyfriend -the very compassionate teacher- grabbing my youngest sisterfs -Maria's- hand. Having been told of her decision, I followed Mother, pulling another sister's, that is, Ros'fs arm. ..And that's how the schoolteacher became our new father. ..Stepfather.

　　　"Stepfather's wife had been dead of breast cancer for about five years, leaving her two sons, Barney, two years older than I am, and Robin, one year younger, in her husband's hands. So, now, all of us, including new born Elena, live together in a small rented house in Batangas.

　　　"Even long after our escape from Father, I was afraid of recurrence of his violence against Mother though I didn't know what kind of form it might take: For Father's anger had been enormous and he sometimes had sounded almost insane during their argument at the final stage of their relation. To be very fortunate, however, such recurrence didn't take place. So, I can say this now: We did enjoy a relatively peaceful and happy life for about two years. ..Until Stepfather suddenly got fired from his job."

　　　"Oh, good heavens." I said. "You've told me, Melba, your stepfather was out of job... He got fired all of a sudden?"

　　　"Can you guess how, 'Ate' Trina?"

　　　"No. ..How?"

　　　"My real father finally persuaded local education board members to fire Stepfather after two years of plotting. And from what Stepfather somehow learned from a source near the board later on, Father apparently had been seeking a chance to get both Stepfather and Mother fired. ..At least, either one of them.

　　　"I was terribly scared once again at that information. Tenacious spitefulness? ..I felt that I already knew what people's real lives would look like. What do you guess my father claimed to get them fired, 'Ate'?"

　　　I shook my head.

　　　　　　　　　　-----

　　　"In short, Father allegedly told the education board like this: 'The fact that schoolchildren in our district see two public schoolteachers, a man and a woman, who must show the public their great respect for the laws and morals before anyone else, openly living together illegally, ignoring the female teacher's legitimate husband's will, is a very serious educational problem. They shouldn't be permitted to teach at public schools. Both of them should be removed from their current jobs unless the female teacher returns to her legitimate husband.'

　　　"My mother didn't return to my father. My stepfather got dismissed from his job. I heard that Mother hadn't gotten the same punishment only because one of the board members, who's relatively liberal, had unwaveringly insisted, 'One person is enough for the example.' And some other members who highly appreciated Mother's contribution to the local education reportedly took a side with him.

　　　"No one paid any attention to my real father's violence, because, I think, he had some influence over some people in the area.

　　　"I've learned a lot of things, 'Ate', from that incident, indeed. I've come to see things in different ways. And among others..," Melba lowered her voice, "the most important thing to me may be that I've come to believe that we should abolish that silly law virtually prohibiting people from having divorces."

　　　"My goodness." My voice was very low, too.

　　　However, I was not necessarily against Melba's opinion. On my mind was the endless argument between Cesar and myself. ..I speculated that our argument might have ended long before it had become such an ugly one if divorce had been legally permitted to the people in this country. ..The only reason why I did not speak out my feeling on the matter to Melba may have been that, unlike her, I just did not possess enough courage to directly criticize the law that was strongly based on our religious belief.

　　　　　　　　　　-----

　　　"Unfortunately," continued Melba, "everybody in the Philippines knows that public schoolteachers' salaries are very small. Everybody knows that, with such low salaries, it takes awfully many years for the teachers only to recover the cost they've spent for their education."

　　　"It does." I murmured.

　　　As a matter of fact, among people, there told was a sarcastic joke that was somewhat sympathetic to the teachers: 'Our government treats our public schoolteachers even worse than our police officers who are known to be paid as small salaries as the teachers.' 'Look,' people said, 'our poor teachers are, unlike our police officers, given no privilege to extort bribery from us, are they?'

　　　"Having been living on such small income," Melba went on, "now our family lost a half of the parents' salaries. We were in a very serious crisis. It wasn't a time for us only to be thankful for the fact the education board hadn't fired Mother at the same time. How could we live with such a small salary of Mother's? Not too much more than one thousand pesos a month? ..And it was only three weeks after Stepfather's dismissal that Mother's pregnancy was found out."

　　　I did not know how to react. The pregnancy of Melba's mother, which would have been cheerfully celebrated under different circumstances, had apparently been received as an untimely bad luck. 　　　'Misfortunes never come single.' I recalled such a proverb, while reflecting my own life during the past several years.

　　　　　　　　　　-----

　　　"Stepfather no longer could spend his days only by complaining of his dismissal to the board." Melba went on. "He started working. But he couldn't find a permanent job. Almost all of the jobs he found were temporary labor works that paid him little. At that time, he was forty-five years old, not so young anymore. Even worse, our nation's economy was very sluggish as we know, Ate, and we lived in a rural town like that. There was no job that his qualification and experience could buy in that area.

　　　"As time passed, we got forced to realize more and more clearly that the crisis we were trapped in was way far bigger than we had initially thought.

　　　"Before long, the new fact that Mother's diabetes was getting worse was added to the initial crisis. And it didn't take more than a few weeks before she started taking sick leaves now and then."

　　　Melba was searching for her next words.

　　　I was staring at her face, without a word.

　　　　　　　　　　-----

　　　"I loved my school life, Ate Trina," Melba said, "so much as to keep preparing for a college entrance examination even during the time our family's financial situation was, with no doubt, becoming hopeless. Well, I may not have correctly understood, in fact, how bad our family's financial situation was, and how meaningless it was for me to keep studying, as well. ..Because I didn't realize immediately how important it would be to me that Mother and Stepfather, joined by some other close relatives, had decided to keep Stepfather's oldest son -Barney- in college."

　　　Just as all my sisters had cooperated to have Benjamin -our family's only son- educated in college, Melba's family had chosen to give its oldest son high education.

　　　"You see it at once, don't you, 'Ate'." Melba asked me, gazing at my face. "Yes. Looking back at it, the decision meant that I would have to work as a karaoke singer even to help Barney. I had to give up my own desire to study in college to keep him in college."

　　　I remained silent.

　　　"Indeed, I wanted to learn in college." Perhaps, that was the first moment Melba mixed her emotion into her story. "..As much as my mother wanted me to have college education."

　　　　　　　　　-----

　　　All were white, elderly women. From one of the entrance steps, several foreigners were looking into the restaurant, almost lying on top one another. But anything that might fascinate them was not happening inside.

　　　Seeing off those women leaving, collectively grousing something, Melba asked me. "What Japanese word do you guess I learned first at Sakura, 'Ate', except for those plain daily greeting words like 'irasshai mase (Welcome)' or 'konbanwa (Good evening)'?"

　　　My intuition worked. I felt I could guess it right.

　　　Melba did not wait my response. "That's 'shikataganai', 'Ate'."

　　　I had guessed it right. 'Here comes another girl who has learned that word.' I thought, gloomily.

　　　"That word means," Melba said, "perhaps, 'it's no use doing' or 'to be destined so'. I think. I've heard other girls in Sakura use that word to mean such things. They use that word as if it were a spell or some kind of magical word, don't they?"

　　　"I don't know exactly what that word means correctly, Melba," answered I, trying to sound as calmly as I could, "but I myself have used the word to mean, yes, 'to be destined so' most often, perhaps. ..Whenever I had to use that Japanese word. And sometimes to mean 'no more discussion'..."

　　　I was depressed. Melba looked to me way too young to utter such a word.

　　　"That's right, 'Ate'. 'No more discussion', indeed. It's no use' cursing my misfortune forever. I'm 'destined' to be a karaoke hostess, am I not? Hontouni shikataganai desune."

　　　Tears began dropping from Melba's eyes.