　People have as many separations as they have encounters.

　No matter how much those encounters affect one's life, separation will always come.

　And the separation that will come someday, will it come suddenly, or will it creep up quietly...? That is something that cannot be known until it happens.

　The separation of feelings and heart was harder than accepting death.

　The separation from the loved one.

　The eternal separation.

　I could not lose her existence from in front of me while I still loved her.

　But people had one way to escape from that sadness.

　I decided to dedicate everything to that one thing at that time.

　To seal away the memories that remained in my heart, the feelings of my heart.

　I sealed away the separation myself. I rejected the coexistence of feelings and heart.

　It was as if forgetting her from my heart was the mission imposed on me now.

　If I didn't do that, I might have ceased to exist in this world.

　I was driven to that point.

　But I was not such a strong-willed person either.

　As a result, I dragged on Mayumi's feelings, and even destroyed my own ego.

"Please make Iwamishita-kun comfortable."

　The supervising doctor said softly.

　With that voice, my hand left Mayumi's heart.

　That was admitting Mayumi's death.

　At that moment, I felt that I really faced death.

　While looking at Mayumi's figure sleeping quietly in the morgue, I spoke to her one by one.

　Just Mayumi's figure sleeping quietly.

　Her sleeping face that never changed. That beautiful face of Mayumi. It never changed. Nothing changed.

　Mayumi was just sleeping now.

"You seem a little tired today."

"Yesterday you were on duty, right?"

"Today's operation went well, didn't it?"

"Hey, let's go to that new place next time."

"Is there anything you want for your birthday?"

"......"

"Hey, don't you want to get married soon..."

"How many children do you want?"

"Is it too early... There's work too..."

"Hey... Mayumi..."

"Tanabe-kun, stop it...!"

　Ritsuko, who was next to me, said in a small voice.

　No matter how much I talked to Mayumi by her side, she didn't answer anything.

　She didn't even smile at me.

　I held Mayumi's cold hand and remembered the warmth in my heart.

　I still remembered in my heart the figure of Mayumi who was alive and had blood flowing through her, and the warmth of her body.

　I understand how you feel. The supervising doctor who said that.

　Even if I heard comforting words, I couldn't understand what they meant.

　Because Mayumi was still alive in my heart.

　Even if I saw Mayumi's figure being taken out in front of me, at the funeral...

　Mayumi was still alive in my heart.

　But when I treated the woman who was urgently transported and couldn't save her life, the figure of Mayumi in me disappeared.

　That's when it happened.

　There, I lost my place at Kitabu Medical University Hospital.

"I'm sorry, Tanabe-kun. I reminded you of something painful..."

　Ritsuko said with a downcast look.

"No, it's all in the past. Now..."

"......So, do you still love my sister? You do, don't you, Tanabe-kun?"

　I didn't answer.

"Today. The notebook that fell under your desk."

　It was the medical notebook that Mayumi had written.

"I didn't know there was such a thing. I didn't know that my sister wrote down what she did every day so carefully. I'm sorry for looking at it without permission, but I thought then. I can't compete with her."

　I couldn't say anything.

　That's right, I can't compete with Mayumi.

　I never thought she was such a strong person.

　When that notebook was entrusted to me, I remembered what Mayumi had said to me.

"You're not cut out for surgery. Let alone emergency..."

　It was not long after we started dating.

　To be honest, if I said I wasn't angry, it would be a lie.

　I didn't try to find the answer at that time. No, I couldn't find it because I was still immature.

　I became like an empty shell when I lost my place at Kitabu Medical University Hospital.

　To be honest, I started to refuse to even hold a scalpel.

　My hand holding the scalpel always trembled slightly, and every time I saw the patient bleeding, I saw Mayumi's figure.

　And then, the last smile that my mother showed me came back to me again.

　I was ignored by my fellow peers, and the nurses erased my existence.

　Of course, the supervising doctor who couldn't stand to see me like that had erased my existence from the scene ever since.

　After all, I'm not cut out for surgery.

　I had to accept and judge people's death immediately, and I started to feel fear in this harsh field.

　And then, I decided to admit this situation and draw a line.

I took the envelope with "resignation letter" written on it and handed it to the supervising doctor.

　The supervising doctor took the resignation letter without saying anything.

"I'm sorry," he said, just one word.

　A few days later, I was called by Jomi Kosaburo, the associate professor of the third surgery department at Kitabu Medical University at that time.

　It was probably a confirmation of my intention to submit the resignation letter.

　When I went to the associate professor's room, he looked at the documents and said,

"Did you come? Well, sit on that chair and wait for me."

　He didn't take his eyes off the documents. He didn't care that I was waiting, and he was absorbed in his work.

　It was just a confirmation of intention. He didn't have to tear his busy time for me.

　But I didn't open my mouth.

　The place called university hospital is a very delicate organization in terms of hierarchy.

　Well, if I compare it to the army, it might be an exaggeration, but I knew that it was always against me to convey my own intention first and leave.

　Now I just had to wait for him to talk to me.

　After a while, the associate professor left his seat, opened the window a little, put a cigarette in his pocket of his white coat and lit it.

　...I'm sure the hospital is completely smoke-free.

　Well, there's no surveillance camera, and now there are only two of us in this room, me and the associate professor. If I don't say anything, it's over... I don't care about that, but...

　He glanced at me and said,

"Sorry, I just want to smoke when I'm doing research. Well, can you keep quiet?"

　I nodded slightly without answering, and returned the meaning of tacit consent.

　Jomi Kosaburo, he experienced all kinds of clinical trials until he became an associate professor, and soaked them into his body. He used to be called a demon of clinical trials.

　He faced any operation with initiative, and his surgical skills that did not care about the difficulty were like a warrior swinging a sword on the battlefield.

　And he never gave up fighting at any time.

　He was such a sturdy person, but his papers accumulated during his clinical trials were evaluated, and now he has a post of associate professor.

　The impression of him now was not like someone who would be holed up in this room and busy with research.

　When he finished smoking, he closed the window.

"Sorry, I kept you waiting."

　His expression didn't make me feel any of his old rumors. He should be called a very gentle person.

　The associate professor took out a case with documents from his desk drawer and handed me several notebooks.

　The notebook placed in front of me and the envelope with "resignation letter" written on it that was sandwiched between them casually entered my eyes.

　The associate professor handed me the envelope and asked,

"Is this yours?"

　The envelope that was handed to me was not opened yet, but I nodded immediately and answered with one word, "Yes."

"I see," he said with a sigh-like word, and then handed me the notebook on the table.

"What is this..." I asked him.

"Well, just open it quietly," he said quietly to me.

As soon as I saw the letters written there, my heart was swallowed by sadness.

　That letter, the letters written finely there, they were Mayumi's letters.

　What was written there was her report on her clinical trials.

　But the content was explained in an easy-to-understand way, as if teaching a new doctor.

　He said quietly to me who was looking at the notebook.

"I thought it was too early to show you this notebook, but I didn't think you would come out with something like that. This notebook is what Iwamishita-kun wrote for you. It's not anyone else's. Tanabe-kun, she wrote it to tell you everything about her and to leave it behind."

　And he handed me another notebook with a blue color.

I opened it with my hand. On the first page,

"The transition of pregnant women and fetuses with pancreatic cancer" was written.

Pancreatic cancer. The same disease as my mother.

And the transition of pregnant women and fetuses... This notebook was also Mayumi's letter.

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The copyright of this novel belongs to "Etuha Sakakihara さかき原枝都は".

Copying or resembling this novel is prohibited.

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emergency doctor

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