Transcending Limits

第23話 Full-Blown Mania

Upon returning, I started working in a warehouse. Then, six months later, on September 11, 2001, the 9/11 terrorist attacks occurred. I watched the footage of planes crashing into the World Trade Center and the subsequent collapse repeatedly. It was a huge shock to think that America was so disliked by the Islamic world. This marked the beginning of the conflict in Afghanistan, followed by the Iraq War in 2003.

Another surprising thing was seeing photos of American soldiers studying with books during non-combat times. Going to war meant that their expensive university fees would be waived. Seeing this reality, I felt ashamed of how lenient my alcoholic phase had been.

Additionally, my panic disorder resurfaced, this time manifesting as hyperventilation. Hyperventilation is truly excruciating; it's hell on earth. At the same time, my depression resurfaced. I went to a nearby psychiatric clinic for panic disorder and depression, and although the doctor prescribed various antidepressants, none of them had any effect.

The doctor, a peculiar person, showed me a list of different antidepressants and asked me to choose which one I wanted to try. In the end, I started taking Luvox, one of the few options left on the list, and this triggered a full-blown manic episode.

First, I began changing the color of my Fender electric guitar, which I had always been curious about, from wine red to white. This turned out to be a mess. I was using regular sandpaper to strip off the color, but I got fed up with it and started carving with a sculpting knife. The surface of the guitar became uneven, and the aftermath still lingers.

At my job in the warehouse, I got into an argument with a strange old man who started complaining. I don't remember it well, but in the end, the manager told me, "You're not suited for this job here," and I ended up getting fired.

As an unemployed person, I spent the remaining insurance money from the traffic accident on wild partying, involving alcohol and women. I remember placing a can of Chu-Hi by my pillow in winter, opening it with a push as soon as I woke up, and guzzling it down. It was incredibly delicious. When I tried to go out to visit an adult entertainment establishment in Umeda, my mother asked me, "Where do you think you're going?" I can't remember how I answered, but she slapped me, and my glasses went flying.

Initially, I frequented foreigner-exclusive adult entertainment establishments. I got along well with a Romanian girl named Leila that I met at one of these places, and we even went on dates outside the establishment. We went to a yakiniku (grilled meat) restaurant and had tonkotsu ramen, among other things.

However, she told me I was being too persistent and ended things. So, I started going in and out of an Irish bar called "Blarney Stone" in Umeda. I happened to meet a group of Japanese people there and hit it off with them. Around this time, I was carrying my guitar around, trying to look cool. The stylish leader of the group asked me if I was a musician, to which I confidently replied, "Yes, I am."

At this bar, I became close with a Japanese girl who worked at a major advertising agency. We ended up spending the night together. However, I lost the piece of paper on which she had written her phone number and couldn't contact her anymore.

Around this time, I also frequented an NPO run by Mr. Yoshijima, the president of a marketing research company I had met during my think tank days. This organization aimed to reintegrate socially withdrawn individuals into society, and I caused a lot of trouble there. However, I was harboring resentment towards Mr. Yoshijima because he had once asked me, "What is your identity, really?" He had misunderstood that I got the job at my first company through my father's connections.

While it's true that my father and the company president were classmates in university, and he did say, "We're short-staffed and struggling, would you be interested in a part-time job?" it wasn't a job secured through connections. The company president himself acknowledged this. Plus, I had quit the company and ventured to America. So, essentially, he was asking the president to take back his previous statement.

However, Mr. Yoshijima understood why I was upset and pointed it out to me. It was because my efforts in America were not being recognized in Japan. He was sharp. That was exactly it.