undercooled / english

220920

Have you ever imagined this in your life? If you died today... I want to start my writing with this question. If I died today... Of course, it would never happen. You and I would survive today and live tomorrow, and more. Yes, it would be. But this world has many moments of miracles. If I had a heart attack today, or if the building I am living in was crushed by a terrorist attack, or if a local earthquake happened... those kinds of things are not the things that 'never' happen.

I have suffered from this kind of question "if I died today". I might die today, and I might not die today... but if I kept on thinking about this idea, I can make any plan for tomorrow and also build a bright vision for my future. But this is my nature. If it could happen, I wouldn't be able to ignore it. But if I carried that kind of fear about dying one day, I couldn't live a bright life. I can't see what I can do about this problem. What can I do?

This attitude of mine or this style of my thought is sometimes called as philosophical. But I want to say that I don't want to make myself cool by choosing this style. I never choose this life because I want to be smart. This is my style. I can't see that this attitude is the one I already had when I was born or the one I have built through the life I have lived, but anyway, this style/attitude fits me so I am living based on it. I can't live without this stance. This is like the blanket Linus is always having.

By the way, recently I read the book by Audrey Tang, a female philosopher in Taiwan. Audrey Tang says that she treats what she will do today as an important thing, not making long plans in her life. If she doesn't so, she can't do her plans because she can't see if she would die. Smart people like her even live their life thinking about the possibility of dying one day... that made me uplifted. Indeed, this is not an unrealistic attitude. But the person who is always thinking about when they would die is not alone. I can understand that.