Me and she:Our scattered destiny

第1話

SUFFERING

Ahh! What a nice evening. It really feels good.

Ohh, sorry, where should I start with? I guess I’ll start by introducing myself first. My name is Hiro, age 17. I’m in high school. I hate myself for what I did. I despise every inch of me. It’s because of me that someone got badly hurt. That person is very important to me, but the worst thing is that now I don’t know anything about the who’s most important to me. It’s almost laughable. It’s a grave sin that I committed.

There are a lot of things that I don’t understand. Like, what is happiness? When someone is smiling, does it mean they are happy? So, is smiling happiness? Possibly not. Someone’s smile may be fake. Maybe they are trying to act cheerful so they use can hide their true self or their problems. So what exactly is happiness? I don’t know either. The only emotions I have felt for all these years are guiltiness, regret, and sadness. What does it mean to feel happiness? Because I am unable to feel happiness!

How can people be happy or keep smiling in this world where sadness is everywhere, where hatred is everywhere, where jealousy is everywhere, and where people are greedy everywhere? But The good thing is that there is also happiness, but I haven’t felt any happiness for a long period of time. That’s not the only thing. For a long time, I haven’t smiled from the bottom of my heart.

The other thing that I can’t understand is, what is life? Is this what we do day by day is this the life? I really don’t think so. They say life is simply existing, but all these years I haven’t felt any excitement at all. Also, why are we born as humans? Why not animals? What is the purpose behind this? I really want to find meaning in what my life means.

I wish I had friends so I could live normally, but I guess it’s not possible for me. Forget I said anything. As time went on, I began to talk less and hate myself more. Guilt, remorse, grief, and pain kept growing in my chest. Because of the sin I committed

Tomorrow is my first day of high school. I am not excited about anything, though. I will be doing what I’ve been doing these past years. That means I’m going to find her no matter what! For now, I’ve got to enjoy today’s weather. It really feels nice to sit at riverside to feel this weather. I wish I could have been sitting here with my friend, but I don’t have any friends, so it’s a pity.

Next day.

Wake up, Here. You are going to be late on your first day of high school.

I have already woke up, Mom.

I’m off, Mom.

Last night I really had a bad dream. Actually, it’s a nightmare for me. It was a dream about the sin I committed, and because of it, I lost something precious. To know about my dream, you need to know about myself first. How was I when I was little?

When I was a little, I had friend. Her name is azuki. She was best friend of mine. She was neighbor of mine. We were always play together. We were spend most of our time together. I was a crybaby when I was a little, but she was strong. She always support me. She always kind to me.

Whenever someone tried to bully me she always stood strong in front of me. She always protected me. we are even in same elementary school & also in same class. There are also lots of friends I had in elementary school. We always meet at park at evening for playing.

One day, I told Azuki that we were going to the park, but we were going by bicycle. We took our cycles and headed towards the park. When we reached our friends were already there, and they were playing without us. Azuki chastised them because they were playing without us. After that, we played for a while at the park, and then we headed to the lake. That day was fun. I didn’t forget that day. There are two memories I have of that day. The first one is about what we did that day. It’s a good memory. The second one is a fateful memory that I couldn’t forget until now. It’s a memory that became a nightmare for me.

On that day, a fateful incident happened with us on our way back home. After a while playing at river side, after some time everyone started to going home, so azuki & I also took our cycle & headed home. On our way back home a accident happened with us. After the accident, only a few seconds after the accident, I fell unconscious.

I really don’t know exactly what happened. When I woke up I saw I was in hospital & my mother was sitting beside me. She looked exhausted. At that moment I didn’t understand what happened to me. My mother also woke up. Her eyes were all red. It looked like she couldn’t sleep for days. When she saw me she hugged me & started crying. When she hugged me, I asked mother where is azuki?, but she didn’t response. After that doctor came & checked me. Few minutes later mother came & I asked her what had happened. She told me about the accident, & that I was in coma for 30 days. I asked my mother again about azuki, but she didn’t told me anything. I thought she might be resting in her house….

….Still, I know mother knows something about Azuki, but I couldn’t understand the situation at the time. I can remember whenever I asked my mother about Azuki, her expression changed for a moment. At that moment, I wanted to see Azuki because it was my fault that she got hurt. My chest was getting heavier every time I thought about her. Two days have passed, but Azuki didn’t come. The next day, they discharged me. At that moment, I was just thinking about seeing Azuki, but when we reached our house, I saw Azuki’s house was locked. At that moment, I had no idea what was going on. Azuki must be resting at her house. That’s what I thought, but her house is locked. How is this possible? Moreover, why is her house locked? I asked my mother again, she didn’t tell me. At that instant, I ran and tried to find Azuki. That day, I searched the whole town, but I couldn’t find her. There was a lot more happening that day that my brain couldn’t process. My thoughts and emotions were all mixed up.

A few days later, I calmed down, but as days passed, my guilt was growing as well. Because of me, she got hurt. It was my fault.

When I started going to middle high school, I started to see her. At first, I tried to find her in my school, but she was in my school. Every day after school, I tried to find her in different schools. Whenever I got free time, I tried to find her. Sometimes I’ve gone to the park or the library to find her. Slowly, I searched the whole town, but I always failed to find her. At that time, I also saved some money in case I had to travel to find her. Years have passed. I started as a second-year middle high school student. In my second year, I started to travel to some nearby towns, and I found Azuki. Whenever I failed to find her, I lost hope that I would be able to find her. Guilt, regret, sadness, agony, all these emotions started to grow in my chest. In my third year of middle high school, I started to travel to some towns that I had never been to before. I had a map, so with the help of the map, I was able to determine the town whenever I went to find her. In all these years, I have never been able to find her. At that moment, I felt like I was so pathetic. First, because of me, she got badly injured, and now I can’t even find her after all these years. I'm so damn pathetic. At this rate, how can I possibly be able to meet her again?

This is why I hated myself. Now I am in high school. I hope I will find her this time. I can’t wait to see her once. I’d be more than happy if I got a chance to meet her once again. This is the wish I’ve had ever since that accident.

Sometimes I wonder what our life would be like if that accident had never happened. Will we be friends now? Friends ….huh?

Ever since that accident happened to us, I have started to spend my time all alone. I was afraid to go outside. I didn’t want to go outside. I stopped talking to people, no matter who they were. I was talking with my family. At that point, I don’t want to make friends with anyone. There was only one thing I was thinking about all the time: how was I going to find Azuki? I want to find out so I can apologize to her for what happened that day, and also, after that accident, everyone knew that I was going to blame myself for what happened to Azuki, so everyone was telling me that it was not my fault, so don’t blame yourself. But I knew from the beginning that it was my fault and mine alone. As time passed, I tried so many times to find Azuki, but I was unable to find her.

Every time everyone around me had friends, but I was the only one who had no friends. As time passed, I started to become lonely. So I don’t have anyone to talk to. I have become a completely introverted person with no friends. I try not to interact with anyone.

I know what my problem is. I also know the solution, but what I don’t know is where to look at it.

I really want to change myself, but I can’t change myself. It’s like, “you know you are going to die someday, but you don’t want to die.” I am also trapped in the same situation.

Is it possible for us to become friends. Can we become friends again if I get to meet her again? If it’s not, then that’s OK! Anyway, I consider myself very lucky that she was my friend.

This is my high school.

______________ I hope I’m able to find her.

When I enter school, everyone seems so happy. From this day on, everyone is going to enjoy their high school life and is looking forward to making new friends.

When I entered my classroom, something unexpected happened. The moment I entered the classroom, I saw Azuki in front of me. The moment my eyes were led to her, I knew she was Azuki. I rushed towards her and the moment I saw her, tears just came out of my eyes. At that moment, I was so happy that I can’t even explain it. All these years, I tried to find her, but I never imagined that I would meet her in this way. I couldn’t stop crying because all these years I wanted to meet her, so I could apologise to her for what happened that day. Because it was my fault that she got hurt.

Don’t say that. It was not your fault back then. I can understand how you have been feeling, but don’t push yourself too much. Everything will be alright.

Can we talk privately?

Yeah,

You said my name was Azuki, but I believe you mistook me for someone else. My name is Sakura.

Why are you doing this? Why are you pretending to be a Stranger?

What do you mean by that?

Your name is Azuki, and I know that.

I will tell you the whole truth. Like I said before, my name is not Azuki. My name is Sakura, and also, I’m not from here. We just moved here a while ago.

So why did you do that in the class?

Because if I said this in front of everyone, it would be bad for you and you wouldn’t be able to make friends after that, so I did this.

Are you really saying the truth?

Yeah,

I’m sorry!

It’s OK, but we can become friends if you want.

I didn’t answer her and walked away. I’ve lost all my energy. I really didn’t want to listen to anything. I felt like my destination was in front of me, but it was far away! I’m was going to the roof. I was also thinking about whether what she said was a lie or the truth, but it didn’t feel like she was lying, and if she was the Azuki that I know, then she wouldn’t have done something like that. I know it means she was saying the truth, but she is Azuki.

When I came to the roof, I was so confused that I didn’t know what to do. I lost my temper. I started to say something like, “What was that? What the hell happened? How did that happen? When? Is it because of an accident..? Is this because of my fault? Of course this is my fault!” It’s totally my fault that she lost her memories. I’m so pathetic! I’m the one to blame for this. I had to feel happy after seeing her safe after all these years, but why is my heart feeling even more pain than ever? Is it because she lost her memories? What I have done!

Hey, what happened to you? What are you saying and why are you crying? ‘ Suddenly, I heard someone’s voice. He was a guy. He is probably the same age as me.

[When Kageyama looked into his eyes, Kageyama saw a lot of pain, more guilt and remorse. Kageyama knew what it felt like to have those emotions in your eyes because those eyes were reminding him of himself.]

I wanted to stay alone for a while, so that guy stayed on the other side of the corner on the roof. After a while, I calmed down. After that, everyone was going home. I also saw that Azuki was going home. At that moment, guilt, sorrow, remorse, and torment increased in my heart, and I asked myself a question, “Who is the one who is suffering the most, up until now?”