かたしよのエッセイ〜重箱を隅を突くような辛辣な批評も誤字脱字報告もノーサンキュー！＆鬱病経過日記～

Would you have laughed... at that moment...

Would you have laughed... at that moment...

Words that actually shocked me, from what I heard from a close classmate...

The story of a man who was my first love, who felt lonely when he was a student ...

I wasn't confident enough to even speak to them.

I knew who she liked, so...

He was the complete opposite of me, popular, older, studied well and was a sportsman.

Was it just longing... or was it love?

I was in primary, middle and high school with them.

I found out who she liked when I was in primary school...

I gave up in despair at the magnitude of the difference between myself and my partner.

First love, first heartbreak.

I think she probably knew I liked her.

She was a very bright girl herself, so I really didn't expect her to apply to the same high school.

I chose a school that was just barely at the right level because I was physically weak and was behind others in my studies. But she could have gone to a better school, a higher school.

It is still a real mystery.

And she had told her good friends about how lonely it was when she was a student because she had no one to talk to.

I didn't even know that at the time...

Knowing that I wasn't taken seriously, I was casually trying to get a laugh in front of her.

I thought how stupid I was... Looking back, it must have been hilarious.

If only I had had a shred of courage to talk to her back then...

Maybe life would have been a little different...

Why I wrote that story today...

Because she now works at a funeral home, and she sent my mother off in a clean and beautiful way.

「Today is Mother's Day.」

I couldn't even speak to her at the funeral. In a way, it was because my first love and heartbreak was traumatic. I didn't even have a broken heart... I fell in love with her myself and gave up... stupid me...

I hadn't seen her for about 30 years, but she hadn't changed... On the contrary, she was now in a position to direct the difficult task of seeing people off with their lives.

On several occasions, in her professional capacity, when I visited the funeral home where she worked, a man who would become her subordinate asked me about her as a student.

I told her and the men under my command at the time that she was my first love and that she was beyond my reach.

A middle-aged man, married, a househusband, with three children...

In case you are wondering, she remained single.

I love my wife more than anyone, but if the wheels of fate had been a little different, I might have stayed with my first love. ....

Not because of egotism... but because at that moment, she gave me one full smile, which turned into a slightly sad expression...

Looking back... I think there were a few things that made me think. But that is already in the past...

What I think now is that all I want is for her to be happy.

Today, perhaps, we are still in the business of seeing someone's living proof off.

Something I can't do... I can't bear the many emotions that are thrust upon me...

I sincerely hope she is not as lonely as she was when she was a student.

Depression is hard, but you have to move on. I want to leave a living proof that I can be proud of, both to her and to my bad friends...