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Chapter 9: I was afraid I was going to die.

　I often think that my life is like a punishment game.

　There may be nothing more stagnant than the air at a job center on a weekday afternoon. The place is filled with the voices of employees making phone calls, the mumbling of unemployed people, and discarded job applications.

"Even if you put it that way, people like you are not ......

　The Hello Work counselor seemed to be troubled by my response.

"You can't work as a laborer or in a factory, you're too gutless, aren't you?"

"No, I'm not strong enough.

　No, I'm not strong enough." Even if I could make up a good excuse, there must be no counselor who wouldn't be disgusted by my work history. In the past six months, I've repeatedly quit jobs, including one where I was fired after almost three days.

She said, "If you don't keep working for a little longer, employers will think that this person will quit soon. I'm sorry, but I can't introduce you to someone like him.

　I was about to say, "You're being very direct. I'm used to it, but it's still disgusting.

"Well, I don't want to work, to be honest.

"I don't want to work.

　With a wry smile, the counselor sat down in his chair and slumped down.

　He must be over fifty. He was probably over fifty, not much older than my father, but his tone of voice was the same as that of many other adults.

We're not running a charity business," he said. If you have a criminal record and want to work, you're in the wrong place.

　What's the point of quitting high school after getting into trouble, moving from one job to another, and then proudly saying that you don't want to work?　It's all your own fault, isn't it?

　I had no words to reply. But I didn't feel like getting angry. No matter how much you deny it, it won't change the fact.

"...... I understand. Excuse me."

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　That's not the way to say it, is it?

　I was talking to myself, but it seemed that the small words I had uttered had accidentally reached his ears as well.

"It's your fault, isn't it?"

　I was talking to myself, but the small words I said seemed to have caught his attention. I was already about to move on to the next consultation, but I knew I wouldn't be here anymore anyway, so I did.

"It's not ......."

"What?"

"It's not my fault!"

　I slammed my bag on the floor and shouted at the top of my lungs. The air around me froze at that moment, and everyone in the room turned their attention to me at once.

"It's all someone else's fault that my life turned out the way it did!　I didn't do anything wrong!

　I did nothing wrong!" I screamed with all my strength. The security guards rushed in from the doorway, but before they could get to me, onlookers gathered around me.

　Eyes of agitation and eyes of curiosity. It depended on the person, but all these people were just amused by me anyway.

"What are you ......

"Shut the fuck up. Die, you old bastard."

　As expected, the counselor started to get flustered, but I tried to make as much noise as possible and screamed like a spoiled kid.

　It was rather fun, so I tried to provoke the onlookers around me.

"Don't look at me like I'm staring at you, you're unemployed and you're making fun of me!　You scum!"

　I was a little freaked out when I heard a voice next to me say, "What? I tried to shout in a dusky voice, but it didn't suit me.

"I said, "I'm going to kill you all. ......

　But just as I was about to say that much, a security guard choked me. He grabbed me by both arms and dragged me outside.

"I'll never come back to this place again!

　The screams echoed through the building, and I was forced to leave the noisy Hello Work.

　I was then taken to a nearby police station and given a lecture. The old lady at the police station smiled at me in a professional manner.

She said, "......, you can't do this. Just because you can't find a job doesn't mean you can't take advantage of it.

　The gray-haired old lady sitting on the other side of the table had a gentle tone at first.

　I was taken to a small private room that looked like an interrogation room, but this room had no windows and no light at all. I felt like I was suffocating.

"The room had no windows and no light. How old are you, kid?

"What are you going to do with these little skinny glasses?　I want to go home as soon as possible.

　Fortunately, I'm not a delinquent in appearance, I'm what you call a "serious bum". But in fact, there was another policeman standing in the corner of the room, so it was unlikely that he would escape.

"So why don't you answer the question?

"I don't know, bitch."

　I don't know, bitch." These were the words that came out of my mouth. I was born with this attitude and I couldn't fix it.

"Don't underestimate the police.　You're under arrest, I swear.

"I've already been arrested.

"You've been arrested before?

　The old lady sighed once more in disgust. If you don't want to know, don't interfere in people's lives any further.

"I'll ask you again. How old are you?　Show me your driver's license if you have one.

"It's ......17."

　I didn't have a license, so I answered honestly. Unlike most DQNs, I don't ride around on a stolen bike.

"What's your name?

"○○○○."

"What's your address?

"...... I'm originally from xx city, xx town, and I'm only living here temporarily.

"Let's see, ○○○○...... in xxxx city. Hmm, wait a minute."

　The old lady turned on the computer in her room and started to look something up. Then once she left the room, she was talking to someone on the phone.

　When I opened the door again and came back, the old lady greeted me with a strong expression. I knew I'd been exposed. My incident had been quite sensationalized in the local media, so I was a bit of a celebrity.

"Hey, are you the girl who was arrested in the slashing incident at the high school?"

"......

"Answer. It'll take more time if you don't."

　I was silent with a blank expression on my face, but at this moment, I stopped deflecting and sat back in my chair. I raised my hands in an exaggerated pose of surrender.

"Oh, yes, you're right. I stabbed a man when I was sixteen. Are you happy now?"

"'Do you want to be thrown in juvenile detention, you little shit?

　I could see the old woman's face clearly now in the light of the computer, but her brow was wrinkled and she looked like a young man. She's completely pissed off.

　I don't know if it's okay for the state to say such a thing, but I don't have the right to disobey her or say anything back.

"Well, I can't arrest him for this. I'll just give you a warning, but if you ever do anything like that again, I'll have you arrested.

　After that, I was lectured by the old lady for an hour. She told me not to waste my life, to live a serious life, that there was nothing to be gained by doing such a thing, and nothing new.

　I don't know how much time had passed, but I was getting tired of listening to him just nodding my head and nodding my head, so I decided to give him a try.

"Excuse me, do you have a minute?"

　I was getting tired. I was tired of hating everything. Their pretentions, hypocrisies, and laws are deafening.

"It's all someone else's fault that my life turned out the way it did.

　The old lady stared at me with a suspicious look.

"My parents didn't get along well, and I was an only child, so when I came home at night, I had to work late and there was no one to talk to.　There was no place for me at home. Well, I guess you don't want to see your family, so you do it that way, but if you're in a temporary marriage, why don't you just leave?

　But it's also terrible that she didn't even notice that her son was being bullied at school, isn't it?　I mean, the only time I was bullied was when a delinquent classmate of mine single-handedly mugged me.　I can't complain about something like that, can I?

　It's not my fault, you know?

"...... What kind of thought process do you have to have to come to that conclusion?"

　The old lady was trembling with anger. I've never seen anyone really this pissed off about me before.

"You did in fact injure someone. Don't you think you should pay for your crime?"

"I used to think so, but not anymore. I used to think so, but now I don't. I mean, I didn't do anything wrong. It's not my fault because the people around me pushed me too hard.

"What do you do when you're cornered?

"You know, I'm the kind of guy who's not ashamed to put all the blame for his life on others. If you want me to change my way of life now, it's society's fault for making me this way.

"Screw you!"

　The old lady shouted loudly and slammed the table. The vibration made me jump a little. But I seemed to be a good talker.

"I mean, you know, don't you?　That you can't change me."

　I declared triumphantly in a shaky voice. For a moment, the old lady froze in disgust. But after a short pause, she spoke again.

"You can't ....... But there are plenty of ways to rehabilitate you besides the police. Anyway, I'm going to contact your parents, and if you really do anything else, I'll have you forcibly committed to a mental hospital, so be prepared.

　The old lady continued, "You piece of shit," she said quietly. I guess she thought I couldn't hear her, but I heard her with all my might.

　She grabbed me by both arms again and dragged me outside like an alien caught by NASA.

　In high school, I lost my temper and slashed a classmate with a knife.

　The cause was bullying in my first year of high school. I don't want to say too much about it because it pisses me off just thinking about it, but it was pretty bad bullying.

　One day in the second semester, I hurt a classmate with a knife.

　I was arrested by the police, sent to a juvenile detention center, and had to go to court for the victim's child, so the first six months passed in a flash.

　I dropped out of high school, of course. Even after I was completely released, I couldn't live in my original house and moved to remote areas several times with my parents.

　And because of the alimony, I had to work, and I worked at a food processing plant for a while. However, I was fired soon after because of my bad attitude, and I moved from one job to another, such as delivering newspapers and working on the ground, but none of them lasted long. In many cases, I was rejected at the interview stage.

　I had resigned myself to the fact that I might not be able to get a normal job because I had a criminal record, but I never thought it would be this bad. In fact, I'm amazed at myself for being so unmotivated.

　In fact, as I was repeatedly and relentlessly lectured by several people, I began to feel mentally drained and lost the will to do anything.

　It was annoying that whenever someone around me found out about my past, they would overreact and lecture me on how I should atone for my sins or something.

　My parents also complained and cried a lot. However, after I quit my job many times, they gave up trying to rehabilitate me and put me under house arrest at my grandparents' house. There were talks of sending me to a mental hospital, but since the incident, my mother and father have not gotten along well, and they can't seem to come to an agreement on what to do with me.

　Since I quit school, I don't hang out with people my own age, and I don't want to listen to anyone, so I have no friends now. I have no one to talk to except for the clinical psychologist at the mental hospital.

　This was the summer of my 17th year.