　What happened that day was the beginning of the whole nightmare.

　I couldn't sleep even if I tried anyway. If I write it down here, it might calm me down a little. The dream always starts at 11:30 a.m. on October 15th, the year before last, when I get a phone call from you.

　That day, after the school trip was over, I was going home right away.

　I had just come back here from Okinawa, where it was hot, and the normal "autumn" felt quite cool.

　As I was waiting for the bus at the bus terminal, I noticed a vibration going off in my pocket. I had left it on silent mode, as I had been on a plane and a bus.

"'Hello, Shinoda-kun?

"It's been a while. ....... What's up, all of a sudden?"

　I checked the screen of the incoming call, and it was Hayamine. And the owner of the voice was also you. Anyway, I was terribly surprised.

　I had blocked her from my messaging app after that day, but it was odd that she would call me.

"What's with the scary voice?　Is it so unusual for me to call you?"

　You sounded happy and excited on the phone.

"Yes, it is. It feels like it's been a long time since we've talked.

　The last time I talked to you was a month ago, when you joined the math club. I haven't seen you since then.

"That's right. Let's meet and talk now, right?　You're not busy anyway, right?"

"Well, I'm bored, but ....... I just want to go home and rest. Unfortunately, I'm tired.

　I was carrying a backpack on my back and a suitcase in my hand. To be honest, I didn't have the energy to walk around with all this luggage in my hands.

　But you were so forceful.

"It's okay, you know.　If you meet me, your tiredness will disappear.

　I don't remember you being this kind of person, Hayamine.

　It seemed like you really wanted to meet me.

"I don't care what you say.

"Aren't you at the station right now?　I'll come and get you, okay?　Where are you?

"......, bus station, platform 4.

"Okay. Okay, I'll be right there. Bye."　

　You didn't even wait for me to finish saying, "Okay," and hung up immediately.

　The difference was so small that I didn't notice it at the time, but I became convinced after meeting you.

　I felt that your voice was a little hoarse.

"It's so cold!

　I couldn't help but shout.

　The bus terminal has a waiting room, but since I told them I was waiting at platform 4, I had to stay here. There was some sunshine today, but the trees in front of the station were covered with yellow leaves, indicating that autumn was in full swing.

　I was wearing jeans on the bottom half of my body, but short sleeves on the top. This T-shirt was a souvenir from Okinawa, and I tried to wear it to compete with Yamana-sensei's aloha shirt, but it was so cold that I immediately regretted it.

　I have a jacket, but it's in my suitcase, and I can't be bothered to take it out every time.

　Ah, .......

　As I was sighing, I heard your voice from afar.

"Hey, Shinoda-kun?"

　You were dragging your suitcase with one hand while waving your other hand towards me. I knew a smile would suit you.

　This reminds me of when I was a freshman. It had been a long time since I had seen you.

"It kind of reminded me of the chorus competition.

"Oh, you mean the time you made Mr. B ......□□ practice?"

　Who's "B-kun"? That's a funny nickname.

"I couldn't figure out which way was the fastest way to the fourth stop, so I ended up taking the long way around.

　You ran to my side, one hand on your chest, bouncing up and down wildly.

　This place is connected to the station by an underground passageway, and the bus stops are lined up in a circle. I guessed that you must have run in a circle from the number fifteen bus stop.

　You were running around with two bags and a suitcase, even though your luggage was bigger than mine.

"That's a lot of luggage. What did you do with all that?

"I threw away a lot of stuff.

"What?　What did you throw away?　What did you throw away?

"Bags. I didn't need it, so I gave it to my boyfriend. It only had a notebook and stuff in it, so it was fine.

　That's too bad for Kujo-kun.

"It's cold, isn't it?　You're wearing that. Do you want me to lend you my jacket?"

　That day, you were wearing khaki pants underneath and a light blue shirt over a border knit top.

"I don't mind.

"Put it on. It's cold, isn't it?　I've just come from a run and I'm hot.

　You handed me the shirt.

　Trying to turn my eyes away from the sweat on the nape of your neck and the light rise and fall of your chest as you breathed in, I tried to focus my attention elsewhere.

　This time, I looked at your face again. You had dark circles under your eyes and looked a little pale for the way you talked on the phone.

"Are you okay?　Did you stay up all night?"

"'Ummm, I'm fine. I've been thinking about doing something else for the past few days, but I decided not to.

　So, I'm free!　Do you want to play with me?"

　You coughed a little painfully, but then said it was okay and smiled again.

　I don't know what you're talking about.

　I don't know what you're talking about, but I'm guessing you and Kujo and Haruka had a late night bender during the school trip. It seems that some of them have a second party after the school trip.

"What should I do?　Anyway, let's go to karaoke."

　I was puzzled, not knowing why she was being so aggressive. First of all, you have a boyfriend, so why me?

"Hmm, ......, well, okay.

"Let's go to karaoke and then have dinner. Right?"

"Let's do that.

　I didn't know what was going on, but I was being carried along by your pace.

　I really didn't know what you were going through at the time. Because I really didn't know anything about it.

　So I said a lot of things that could only be described as insensitive.

　By the time I left the station and walked towards the shopping street, it was already around twelve o'clock.

　When we were standing in line in front of the karaoke bar, I was staring at your face while you turned away.

　You're close.

　You were right next to me, and I was wearing your shirt, which made my heart throb. I thought my personality was such that I wouldn't fall in love, but when there's a girl of my type right in front of me, I feel like I'm going to blow away my hardcore attitude.

　Maybe you've noticed that I've been eyeing you.

　But as I kept looking at you, I noticed that your hair had been cut short.

"I was wondering the last time I saw you, did you cut your hair?

"Yes.

"Why?　I liked it so much.

　I was a little disappointed, because I liked your ponytail. I was a little disappointed because I liked your ponytail. You looked away and paused for a moment before replying.

You looked away and paused for a moment before replying, "...... Yeah. Well, I thought it would be nice to have a different hairstyle once in a while. I'm a girl.

　Hmm, I see.

　I didn't think much of it and you and I went into the room together. To be honest, I was hungry and didn't like your suggestion, but the fact that I was alone with you was more important.

　We spent the next two hours having a really nice karaoke session. It was not a good memory, but it was the first and last time I went to karaoke with you. I'm not a very good singer, but you were very good at it. I remember that you looked kind of embarrassed when I told you that you were a great chorus leader. We laughed a lot and had a lot of fun.

　On the other hand, I couldn't really enjoy the atmosphere.

　There was a small lump in my chest.

　You have a boyfriend, so why are you going out with another boy like this?　Am I being played with?

　You're right in front of me, so close, and I find myself pretending to be enjoying myself with a stuck-on smile on my face.

　I felt as if something was holding me back. But now that I think about it, maybe I was just being unnecessarily sneaky and cynical.

"Oh, that was fun!"

　You yawned loudly as you walked out. You yawned loudly as we walked out, apparently relieving a lot of stress.

　We decided to head to a cheap family restaurant nearby to eat, and were waiting at the traffic light in front of the crosswalk.

　We were waiting at a traffic light in front of a crosswalk when you suddenly said, "Actually, you know what?

"To tell you the truth, I have the most fun when I'm with Shinoda-kun.

　I couldn't help but look twice at your face. I was so disturbed, and a little scared, that I thoroughly denied your favor.

"You don't enjoy being with a guy like me, who's neither cool nor good at learning.

　I don't know why you were so insistent at that time, and you said happily, "But you know what?

"But, you know, last year on Valentine's Day, I gave Shinoda-kun one too.　The one with the heart mark.

　But I dismissed this easily, too.

"Oh, those cheap ones, huh?　Everyone got the same one, didn't they?　I mean, Ms. Hayamine has such a great boyfriend, Kujo-kun, right?

　It was here that I finally brought it up. I didn't want to tell her until now, but I guess I thought I should. I guess I didn't want to say it before, but I knew I had to.

"Yeah, it's ......, right? Sorry."

　You looked down and mumbled quietly. Feeling that I had overstepped a bit, I quickly followed up.

"I'm sorry. If you're happy with me, I'm happy with you.

　I see," you said with a pathetic smile.

　Suddenly, a nursery rhyme began to play from the speakers attached to the pole.

　Immediately, the traffic lights changed and a wave of people began to move at once. We rode the wave and started walking down the wide street.

"But I'm sure there are girls who would enjoy being with Shinoda-kun.　You know, like Haru-chan?

　I could hear him whispering, "I think Haru-chan likes Shinoda-kun. I was a little frustrated again.

"I'm not sure if it's a good thing or not.　That's not how it works with him. ......"

"Oh, no. I think I'll skip school after the break.

　You turned your back to me and started talking. It was so unlike you that I didn't know how to react.

"I want to run away to some faraway country where I don't know anyone. Shinoda-kun, will you come with me?"

　At this point, you turned your head to look at me. For the words you were saying, you had a serious look on your face, like you were serious.

"What are you talking about, you idiot? It's not like you.

　I didn't understand what you meant, so I brushed it off as a mockery. You looked as if you were about to say something, but then you fell silent.

　To tell you the truth, I didn't want to see you.

　At the end of the first year, I was quite shocked when you started going out with Kujo-kun, and I began to keep my distance from you and Haruka. My unrequited love ended in March last year.

　Then I entered the second year of school, and as I chose to study science, I was the only one in my class who didn't know anyone, far away from you and Haruka.

　I think the reason why I chose Okinawa for the school trip was because I didn't want to see you.

　Now that I think about it, you were clearly avoiding me after Valentine's Day, and I was quite hurt.

　So why did you come to see me at the end of the day?

"What do you want to eat?"

　Looking at the menu, you urged me to decide what to eat.

　Earlier, I had shaken and turned upside down a bottle of condiments on the corner of the table, and you had been a little angry with me for my bad manners.

"Well, I guess I'll just order a salad and some pasta and add a drink bar.

　I was eating with you at a cheap Italian restaurant. We were close to the station, but high school students don't have much choice.

　This family restaurant, located in a small building, was a place where we used to come to launch events. But there were no students from our school there that day.

"I'll do the same. I'll do the same. "Excuse me, ......," said the caller.

　You chuckled and pressed the call button with your index finger. After calling the waiter and taking our order, I asked you a question.

"Oh, by the way..."

"Yeah?　What's up?"

　You stared at my face with an expressive expression. You stared at me with your two clear black eyes, and I couldn't help but retract the words that had started to roll off the tip of my tongue.

"Say it. If you're going to say it, finish it."

　You put your elbows on the table and crossed your arms, looking dubious.

　I swallowed my spit and said in one breath, ".

I swallowed my spit and said in one breath, "...... Why did you suddenly decide to go out with me?"

　I swallowed my spit and said in one breath, " Why did you suddenly decide to go out with me?

"It's not that I don't like you.　We're friends, right?

　I didn't notice anything unusual, so I continued with my story.

"No, because I'm sure Haruka and Kujo-kun are having some kind of after party after the school trip.　Aren't you going?"

　I was just genuinely curious.

I was just genuinely curious. "Actually, my boyfriend and I have been having some problems lately, and I've been talking to Haru-chan and others about it, but ....... It's become awkward.

　You smiled wistfully, "Hahaha.

　Until I said this.

"I'm sorry. What's the matter with you?"

　I knew I would never forget this moment of change in your expression. You were clearly terrified of me.

"No, it's just that my boyfriend is in a bad way.

"It's your own fault, isn't it?　I'm the one who got involved with him.

　I saw the blood drain from your face. You looked at me with frightened eyes, as if you were looking at a monster, I thought.

　I shouldn't have said this.

"So, ......, you're right. You're right."

　Within a fraction of a second, less than zero tenths of a second, you smiled and giggled again.　

　In your opinion, I was your "safe zone".

　I'm certainly not aggressive, so maybe I was good for calming you down. I'm sure you just wanted to hang out with me that day, get refreshed, and get back on track with your family and school life. You probably stopped thinking about suicide and tried to solve the problems at home and at school by yourself as much as you could.

　And yet, I couldn't read the air.

　Every human being seriously considers suicide at least once in their life. It's just that this was one of those times for you.

　Before the food arrived, I went to the drink bar to get a drink for you as well.

　You were sitting by the window, looking up at the sun. You were sitting by the window, looking up at the sun, holding your right arm with your left hand and shuffling your feet under the chair.

　Even at this moment, all I could think about was how cute Hayamine was.

"Thank you.

　You said, and took the cup. About the same time I returned to my seat, the food arrived.

　I had Neapolitan, you had Peperoncino. I had a salad of raw vegetables with shrimp on top and a thin onion soup, a typical menu of a family restaurant. It was a late lunch.

　We said "Itadakimasu" and started eating, not caring if it was an Italian restaurant or not.

　I was casually following your movements with my eyes.

　At that moment, you very naturally rolled up your border knit and reached for your fork. Naturally, I saw a small scar on the inside of your right elbow that looked like it had been stitched.

"What's wrong with that?"

　Then you smiled again, somewhat unhappily.

"Oh, this?　I accidentally stabbed myself with scissors when I was preparing for this year's school festival.

"Seriously?　Are you okay?

"It bled a lot, a lot!

　Your face was so comical that I couldn't help but be amused.

"I'm sorry I worried you. ......

"Hey!　You should be a little more worried!

　You tapped me lightly on the shoulder. You tapped me lightly on the shoulder. We talked about your injury in a playful way, as if we were having fun.

"But my right arm still hurts a little.

　I paused to eat my pasta at the look of anxiety on your face.

"Is that why you quit the club, by any chance?

"Umm ....... Yes, I did.

　I was convinced by my own words.

　Well, I guess it's okay to quit club activities then.

　After sprinkling some cheese powder on top, I started eating the pasta again.

"Am I different from the norm?"

　You said this while eating your salad with a fork.

"What?"

　I asked back. I asked back. You had a blank expression on your face.

"Am I special?"

"What is that, some kind of second childhood disease?"

　I added a little mocking laugh, as if I were an idiot. I thought it was funny that you would say such a thing in such a serious manner, and I meant it as a joke.

I was just kidding. "Ahaha, sorry. I'm sorry, but my family says I'm crazy.

"Well, if you're worried about something, why don't you talk to your family?"

　I always talked to my mother and father about any problems I had.

　My family was very peaceful. So I had no idea what other people's families were like, and I assumed that they were just like mine.

I thought they were all the same as ours. "Yes, indeed, ......."

　I feel like all you've said today is, "Yes, that's true. It's like you're obedient and different from your normal self.

　I've finally come to the point where I'm starting to notice that there's something different about you.

　It was like trying to find a mistake in two very similar pictures, but it was only a subtle feeling of discomfort.

"Well, the problems of adolescent high school students are rather trivial to adults, aren't they?"

　I shouldn't have said that either.

"Maybe."

　You laughed again, quietly and sadly.

　After a while, the meal was over and the plates were taken down from the table.

　I got another juice from the drink bar and we chatted for a while.

　We chatted for a while, avoiding all the things you really wanted to tell me: about the school trip, the field day, the school.

　We talked for about an hour or two.

"Oh, is it already five o'clock?

　The time I spent with you flew by, and it was almost night.

"Oh, yes. I have a favor to ask you.

　Suddenly, you pulled out a school notebook from your bag.

　I wondered what it was.

"You suddenly pulled out a school notebook from your bag. Do you mind?　School homework.

　It was a common assignment for the school year. According to your diary, you were completely out of control of your studies at that time and couldn't even listen to your school lessons.

　Just like that time, you were asking me for a favor.

　But I was just a little taken aback.

"What are you talking about?"

　Maybe I said what I said because I thought you were beautiful. But you're not the perfect person I thought you were, you're really just a seventeen-year-old high school girl.

"You can do it yourself. Copying notes is just like your boyfriend who you used to make fun of by calling him 'dead'.

　Aren't you supposed to do everything you can by yourself?

　This was the worst thing I could have said.

　I had debunked you with your beliefs. I was the one who once told you that it was important to rely on others to be successful.

　I was the one who told you that it was important to rely on others.

"You're acting strange today, Hayamine.　You weren't really going to meet me today, but you were going to do something, weren't you?　Once you've decided to do something, take responsibility and do it until the end.

　And these were the words that I should never have said to you when you were about to commit suicide.

　At this moment, the mask of your smile was finally broken.

"Well, let him copy your notes anyway. ......"

　I was about to say this to end the conversation, when I saw your face and couldn't believe my eyes. I couldn't believe it, because the scene in front of me was so completely lacking in reality that I couldn't believe it was real.

　You were crying.

　You were crying like a child, even though you had been such an admirer of mine. You were crying like a child, even though you were the one I admired so much, just because I gave you a little grief about your homework.

"...... is awful."

　The tears in your eyes were filled with deep despair.

　Your words reverberated over and over in my eardrums like the feedback of a speaker. This became the most memorable thing I've ever heard you say in my life.

　I only said that because I wanted you to be more firm. But at that time, you were in no condition to listen to my advice from above.

　But you didn't look at me with resentment, nor did you glare at me. I wonder if that was the least you could do for me.

"Oh, I'm sorry, ....... I don't know why I'm crying.　I'm really sorry. Don't worry about it. ......"

　You were still in tears, but you smiled again and said so.

　I'm sure you'll be happy to know that I'm not the only one who has a problem with this.

　While the other customers who were sitting sparsely around me were all staring at me, I was left alone in the restaurant.

　What?　Did I do something wrong?

　Honestly, that was all I could think about.

　I had no idea what had happened, and I tried to remember every single line I had ever said and simulated it over and over again, but I had no idea what I had done wrong.

　Now, I know what I meant when I said those lines, but I can't even imagine what I meant back then.

　I didn't know that you were worried about your family or your boyfriend, I just exchanged normal information with you. There was no way I could have noticed the signs you were giving off without any information.

　Looking back, I want to punch myself as hard as I can.

　I shouldn't have said what I did. I shouldn't have said those things when I didn't know what was going on.

　I wonder how much you cursed me for my insensitivity. My inability to read the atmosphere had an infinitely negative effect on this moment.

　But I can't change the fact anymore. It was almost like I told you to die.

　And just a few hours after that, you killed yourself just like I said.