Transcending Limits

第3話 Childhood Depression

When I entered second grade of elementary school, the capital of South Vietnam, Saigon, fell, and the Vietnam War concluded with a victory for North Vietnam. It was the first war that America lost. During this time, the Hippie Movement advocating "Love & Peace" was also happening in the United States.

In fourth grade, I quit the swimming club and joined the Cub Scouts, becoming a baseball boy. I practiced hitting balls against a wall and fielding them when they bounced back. I was confident in my defense, but my batting was terrible. I would freeze when the ball came.

One day, when I returned from practice, my father told me, "You can't become a professional baseball player, so study." The bright scenery before me up until then turned into frosted glass, crumbling and falling apart.

Sitting at a desk studying at an age when I wanted to be active in sports was extremely difficult. Then, in fifth grade, I aimed for a private junior high school, and this time I was sent to a cram school. I believe I developed childhood depression. When I became an adult and asked my parents why they forced me to go to cram school from such a young age, they said, "We wanted you to go to a good university, enter a good company, and have a stable life."

However, my parents didn't understand that sitting at a desk studying, especially during an age when I wanted to be active, was mentally stressful. I also couldn't drink cold milk served with lunch due to stress. If I drank milk, I would need to use the restroom in the afternoon, but my teacher said, "No one can leave until you finish your milk." I still hold a grudge against her. That's because I couldn't use the restroom at the school back then.

As soon as they found someone closing the door of the restroom, they would say from above, "Oh, someone's pooping!" and throw erasers and hoses down. Fortunately, my house was close to the school, so I would go home after lunch when I needed to use the restroom. However, there were some who would follow me all the way to the school gate. When I returned to school, they would say, "You went to poop, didn't you?" They were really nasty, despite being elementary school students.

Around this time, they started to be teased about my slim physique. They would sing a song about my skinny bones. I would cry and lift my desk to hit the other person without actually hitting them. Then they would shout, "Oh no, Kakkun's gone mad, gone mad." Looking back now, I should have just hit those who made fun of me, but I never thought of it at the time.

In sixth grade, the Mitsubishi Bank hostage incident occurred. Armed with a shotgun, a man broke into the Mitsubishi Bank Kitahata Branch, taking over 30 customers and employees as hostages. It was a bank robbery and murder case. I heard about this news in my mother's car on the way to cram school with a heavy heart. It wasn't the incident itself, but the gloominess of going to cram school that had already made me feel down. I was suffering from childhood depression.

The result of my entrance exam for the private junior high school was a failure.