Dear my stars

第4話Harumi

I’m Harumi Asada.

After my foster mother died, I came to Tsutsumi’s house for the first time after marriage.

No one had lived here for five years.

The floorboards are creaking, and there’s no change in her style.

She hated gorgeous things and lazy things.

The old smell of wood and tatami went through my nose.

I clenched my teeth as if I could break my teeth.

The memory regained-abuse from my real parents, a fact I grew up as Tsutumi’s adoption, daily life with three others.-

When I was angry with my anger, Taichi, one of others found a picture.

Four were in the picture, I just graduated from junior high school, foster mother with formal dress, Akio wears boy’s uniform and cuts his hair round, and Yoichi wears light blue smock and yellow hat.

I heard a shell break from inside of me and felt uncomfortable limitations.

Because I guessed my foster mother decorated an old picture on the wall to argue four are family.

She hid a letter behind the picture frame.

What would she like to do with us?

Yoichi is reading words that gets a target.

My memory flows like a videotape to my mind.

I was born economically in middle class salaried workers.

When I got a sense of mind, I began to feel uncomfortable with my real parents.

My father was not kind.

On the contrary I have never called my name.

My mother was so hard on drawing his attention.

She finally got ready for meals and bath for me.

Whenever I said something, she replied.

“Say that to your father. Praise him.”

He also took the same attitude as her.

They passed each other on their own responsibility.

He was more blunt for her than for me.

Watching TV, he only eat dinner his wife made with all heart quietly.

On the other hand, my meal was truly frugal every time.

Even the rest of his side dishes didn’t stand on the dish.

I felt alienation at a young age.

I knew that word few years later.

After admission to elementary school, I gave up for him without being told.

And I did my own things by myself.

Cleaning my room, preparing one pattern meal, homework, and so on.

There were no parent-child conversation and teamwork.

Also without remarkable rough waves.

I spent relatively peaceful days.

But when I advanced to elementary school sophomore, a change occurred in my parents.

They originally have left me, and bore me further.

When he talked about how my father married her, I realized something wrong.

She got pregnant, so he got married for self-protection and the public.

He had no affection for my mother from the beginning.

So he recognized me as a daughter of another person.

Finally he told me that he had gotten a favorite woman a few months ago and he couldn’t divorce due to the child my mother bore.

I understood somehow the mean that I was an obstacle for him-even I didn’t do all his words.

It was natural that his attitude toward me was incomprehensible.

He had no affection for me since I was born.

Since then he hit me on each occasion instead of beginning to look at my eyes.

I hid in every corner of the house.

Because I was concerned that I would die if I was beaten up by the power of an awesome man.

I knew that for the first time in a physical examination in junior high school.

Woman’s grip strength is up to 30 kilos.

On the other hand, men’s grip strength is on average 50 kilos, if they are doing rugby they can get up to 70 kilos and crush apples with bare hands.

Certainly, if I had received male violence rightly, I would not have existed today.

Far from ignoring me, my mother also came to pick me up.

Even if she uses her daughter, he doesn’t look for her, and she made a boyfriend.

Originally she was careful about her appearance, but she didn’t wear clean clothes.

When going out, her makeup became gaudy and more exposed clothes such as back and chest were added.

The dish filled with love for him ended.

Not to mention food for me-the dishes for me were rice and soy soup everyday.

He was out at dinner, I surpass my hunger with school lunches and cup noodles.

They fight nightly and the sounds of cracking dishes sounded throughout the house.

The content of the argument sounded irrelevant.

Most of the content was to rub my custody when divorcing.

Eventually they came up the idea that I should disappear.

And instead of arguing with him, she began to beat me seriously.

I was shocked badly than when I first felt alienated.

And my heart sank.

I endured her violence.

I told my heart that my heart will not be hurt any further-I live alone, there are only others around me.

I could not escape from her or a neighbor’s residents asking for help as a child.

I can’t think of such a thing now.

I had to beaten until the other two got divorced and remarried, I really dislike but I thought that I had to get rid of.

However, when I advanced to fourth grade of elementary school, I suddenly managed to get out of a dark world.

One of the other people living in the neighbor watched me full of bruises and reported to the child consultation office that there was doubt about abuse.

I was taken over by a child care facility at a later date.

I don’t know the whereabouts of two people.

I began treatment as soon as I entered the facility.

However, scars and scratches didn’t recover unnoticed.

My heart didn’t clear like the sun.

I checked many other people with bare eyes that my parents could not.

Ikuko Tsutsumi became an adopter later was also one of subjects of restraint.

So I never thought about getting close.

Yet, when she saw me, she embraced me in a snoozing manner.

And she said “From now on, I’m your mother.”

I felt the warmth that I had never felt, and I cried without knowing the reason.

I regretted and chewed my lips so as not to say a loud voice.

However, the suffering which I had kept so far was just overflowing with tears.

Due to tears my body full of burned light.

But strangely I felt no pain.

For the fifteen years since my encounter, I became caring for the Tsutsumi family.

Foster mother made delicious meals for me.

I also learned cooking and housework.

Moreover, she let me go to high school, so I thanked her for it.

But my heart of thankfulness gradually faded since I was married at the age of twenty five.

I didn’t want to repeat the hell of the past, I chose a serious and ordinary man.

Even so, the couple didn’t go well.

After having been abused by real parents, because I was raised by a woman, I didn’t know a good couple.

I can’t understand how to contact my husband.

Since I was a girl I didn’t make friends, so I had no counseling partner.

I didn’t want to expose the past to others at the moment.

After suffering, I decided to make a straightforward expression I had waited until I got married.

Then my husband resented that he was disgusted, and I was denied what I thought as good.

I regretted.

Ever since, I struck an opinion with him every day.

Hid hard head pointed out only my expressiveness, and I refuted every time.

Only a year after marriage, we finally divided the bedroom.

For me, it was rather convenient.

Already divided the beds, there was hardly any activity in the evening.

I declined making a child because our life calmed down.

When we became 30s, we quietly stopped argument as we gave up.

We have not gotten to see our eyes, but he eats only the dishes that I made silently.

He may like it.

Life keeping animals that don’t touch hands continues until today, neither myself nor he is considering divorce.

It seems that he thinks of me as a living maid.

Besides, however I think of him, I don’t want to let go of the mediocrity status of an office worker and a full-time housewife.

However, the status I was seeking will not satisfy my heart even after 15 years.

I think the cause probably lies not only in the abused past, but also in the environment grew up surrounded by others.

Unmarried foster mother, two boys who came later as adopted others who are not ordinary, Akio and Yoichi.

Especially since Akio was a sarcasm that heart is a woman, everything to do was a woman itself.

No matter how careful I was, he kept his wording as a woman, and his eyes moved to pink and red ones.

My wish that I want him to choose mediocrity will not come true, and Akio eventually abandoned the life as a man.

He now extends his hair and makes up him makeup.

Clothes, of course, are girls.

Without blaming such Akio never, foster mother fell a lifetime with her unmarried.

I was ashamed of such people.

If so, am I proud of Yoichi that is relatively ordinary?

No, not.

Even if Yoichi married a living alive as a man, even if his son was born I didn’t think that I was happy.

Even if Yoichi walked the right path, that is only the mind of others.

His son is just another person who has no connection with me.

Indifference, indifference, indifference.

By self-suggestion, I justified myself.

But it didn’t last long.

As I grew older I became ashamed and thought myself miserable.

I didn’t rely on real parents even though I wanted to go with it.

Even if I escape from my father because I don’t want to die, I endured my mother’s violence.

It seemed to live alone in a ruined planet.

After escaping from that planet, foster mother’s inclusion was happy, but I could not cry straightforwardly.

Thanks to what she raised, I was ashamed of myself.

I don’t want to admit that Akio and Yoichi are brother-in-law, but I became aware of them.

I don’t want to live like real parents, but I can’t defeat the blood of their two people.

Although I married in hopes of mediocrity, I broke my own happiness by myself.

Even if I want a child, I can’t make children for fear of repetition of abuse.

I’m jealous of the birth of Yoichi’s son, I don’t even want to admit that feeling.

A life full of inconsistent contradictions undermines me.

I get hit hard by someone else to scrape the dirt.

Nevertheless the fact remains unchanged, the negative cycles will not stop.

Eventually I cried out the same things over and in my mind.

I want to reset my life once die!

As foster mother’s death sent arrives and Yoichi reading the testament, that wish should not change.

Don’t change.

But why has she left such a letter?