The Saga of Tanya the Evil: Everyday Frontlines ー12 Peaceful Days of Tanya and Vishaー

Episode 2: The Young Major and the Calorie Crisis

An unusually aggressive aroma assaulted the barrack cafeteria. Tanya Degurechaff sensed a subtle anomaly. To obtain a perfect breakfast, she had to execute a strict operation, but it seemed this day’s mission carried a difficulty level beyond her projections. The feeling of wrongness had begun yesterday.

When First Lieutenant Visha announced with a beaming smile, "I'll be serving a homemade meal for everyone!" a mix of anticipation and slight unease spread through the men. Tanya, too, was wary of this new variable. However, the plate placed before her instantly raised her wariness to full-blown concern. A thick chunk of meat and a large helping of potatoes sat on the plate, while a visibly rich sauce poured generously over the top. At the sight of it, the spoon in Tanya’s hand looked comically large.

Her brain immediately began a nutritional analysis.

[ALERT] CALORIE INTAKE OVERLOAD. THIS IS NOT FUEL FOR A HUMAN. IT IS AN EXTREMELY INEFFICIENT FUEL SYSTEM DESIGNED FOR A HEAVY TANK.

Visha said with a beaming smile, "I made a super nutritious meal for everyone tired from the battlefield!"

A vein throbbed on Tanya’s forehead. Visha’s good intentions were violently shaking Tanya’s iron shield of rationalism.

“First Lieutenant Visha. This meal far exceeds the necessary daily calorie intake. Such an excessive intake of nutrients places an unnecessary burden on a soldier’s body. From a military perspective, this is tantamount to folly.”

Tanya’s voice was calm. But Visha tilted her head.

“Huh, but… everyone says it’s delicious?”

A chorus of voices immediately rose from the tables. "It's delicious!" "Best meal I've had all month!"

Tanya’s thoughts accelerated further.

[ENTRY] ENEMY MATERIALS VISUALIZED. MEAT = A SOLID ENEMY DEFENSE. POTATOES = AN AMMUNITION DEPOT. BUTTER = EXPLOSIVES. SAUCE = A STICKY TRAP.

In her mind, Visha's meal was transforming into a tactical map.

“I am opposed to this strategy. Supply resources should be provided only as needed. Excessive provision exposes a weakness to the enemy.”

Tanya put her spoon down, her face a mask of seriousness. Her gaze was fixed on the “enemy materials” on the plate.

Visha, with a puzzled expression, asked, “Um… won’t you try it, Major?”

Tanya slowly picked up the spoon. A conflict swirled in her mind. This flavor was a poison called "pleasure" that appealed to irrational emotions.

[ENTRY] ANALYSIS INITIATED. THIS IS A DANGEROUS GAMBLE. TO UNDERSTAND THE ENEMY’S WEAPON, I MUST TASTE THEIR POISON MYSELF.

With grim resolve, Tanya took a bite. It was a synchronized assault of flavors. The savory butter, a chemical weapon designed for psychological warfare and as treacherous as black ice on a winter front, spread in her mouth, and the soft, simmered meat, a cleverly disguised demolition charge, melted on her tongue.

At that moment, a new warning appeared in Tanya’s mind.

[ALERT] RATIONAL FRAMEWORK COMPROMISED.

“How is it, Major…?”

Visha asked nervously. Tanya moved her spoon a second, and then a third time, without a word. No emotion showed on her face.

[ENTRY] THIS TASTE IS DANGEROUS. IT IS A WEAPON THAT SHAKES MY LOGICAL JUDGMENT.

Tanya continued to eat the terrible “weapon.” She looked as if she was enduring an enemy attack to test the performance of their new technology.

“…Thank you for the meal, First Lieutenant Visha. It is a nightmare to have a cook who wastes the national treasury, but this dish… has significant problems from a nutritional management standpoint. This problem must be solved immediately.”

Tanya stood up and quietly left the dining hall. Visha and the remaining soldiers could only look at each other and tilt their heads in confusion.

“But… Major, everyone’s exhausted. Isn’t a little chocolate their reward?”

Visha tentatively countered. Tanya’s brow furrowed at the words.

[ALERT] Detected: Unknown Value System. Codename: Happiness. Unanalyzable.

A new “enemy” stood in the way of Tanya’s rationalism. She began to try and logically explain the irrational phenomenon of happiness, which was brought on by Visha’s innocent smile.

“Happiness… Hmph. This emotion might contribute to military morale. An inefficiency I cannot dismiss, damn it.”

Tanya, feeling her frustration grow, began to prepare for her new war.

So, even chocolate has been twisted into a theological weapon by that damn Being X…