| Rituko Iwamisita, she was my friend for six years at Hokubu Medical University. At that time, I was dating her older sister, Mayumi Iwamisita.

Rituko and I were in the same year, but Mayumi was five years older than us. She was a lover with a bit of an age gap. But she didn't make me feel any difference in age.

She was kind and cheerful, and had a friendly personality that could talk to anyone without discrimination. And she was a beautiful and talented woman who was in the top class of the school.

Of course, she was popular in the school, and she was respected by the professors. And following her sister, Rituko was also a talented woman who had high grades in the school.

But she was different from her sister, she was a type of woman who didn't interact much with people.

Rituko always followed her sister, and her goal was to surpass her sister someday. ...I didn't feel it clearly, but it was true that I sometimes saw some kind of hostility towards her sister Mayumi.

"You lived in a nice place, didn't you?"

"Surprising is unnecessary. It's just a big room with nothing in it."

"Still, it's tidy for a man's place. Strange, huh? You must be surrounded by women!"

"I wish that were true."

I smiled bitterly.

"I'm just not home. There's no way it can be messy."

As I said that, I looked at Rituko's face and remembered the days of our student life.

Unconsciously.

"You used to come to my apartment a lot when we were students."

"Yeah, that shabby apartment. There was no air conditioner, and it was terrible when I opened the window and mosquitoes came in. I wonder how you could live there."

Rituko said nostalgically.

"You don't have to say that much. All I needed at that time was a place to sleep. ...Beer is fine, right?"

"Yes, thank you."

I handed her a beer, opened the pull tab, and gulped down the beer.

Sure enough, he looked like an old man.

I can't think of what to say next.

Rituko wanted to know about Jyoukanetu, and she came to my room.

If I keep this conversation going, I'll have to touch on Mayumi.

I want to avoid talking about Mayumi if possible.

I don't want to talk about the past like this.... But maybe it's unavoidable.

I wanted to change the topic somehow.

"That kid with the subdural hematoma, I'm glad he survived."

Rituko looked up.

"It's not over yet. If he doesn't regain consciousness, it means he's in a vegetative state. Even if he does regain consciousness, he will have severe disabilities for the rest of his life."

She said with a gloomy expression.

"He can't play baseball anymore."

"......I see."

The two of us were silent for a while. The air that enveloped the empty space.

Was it a mistake to bring Rituko here...?

It was Rituko who broke the heavy silence.

"Why did you transfer to Jyoukanetu?"

She said as if cutting through the air.

The reason why I transferred from Hokubu（northern） Medical University Hospital to Jyoukanetu Medical University Hospital.

That is...

It seems that I can't get away from Mayumi from her.

The reason why I transferred to Jyoukanetu.

It was because I lost Mayumi.

That's the only reason.

Mayumi's existence was like a mirror for me. And she was an existence that demanded something I didn't have.

When I decided to walk the path of a general surgeon, Mayumi said one word to me.

"You are not cut out for surgery. Let alone emergency medicine. You are too kind-hearted to ever win against this loneliness and pressure."

A surgeon always changes the patient's life with his results.

Even if it's a life that can be saved, it changes greatly depending on the timing and situation.

I have seen people who missed their chance to live in front of me.

In my hands, I saw the flame of life burn out, felt it, and experienced it.

Every time I think.

Why couldn't I save them...?

During my fellowship, I participated in any operation. I experienced as many cases as possible, and made them soak into my hands and body.

And always in front of me, there was Mayumi's figure.

"There is no life that must be extinguished."

Mayumi's favorite phrase.

She always said to me.

"No matter what situation you are in, you can't kill that life. Even if you are in the depths of despair, I want to make that flame of life burn again."

"No, that's my wish."

Her scalpel work, her surgical skills were nothing but brilliant.

I had surgery with Mayumi many times. I wanted to get closer. That was my true feeling at that time.

Of course, Rituko must have felt the same way. She also watched and practiced Mayumi's surgical skills, and hammered them into her hands and body.

Even if the specialty they chose was different, they were both surgeons in the end....

But Mayumi's own heart and body were actually collapsing. ...I couldn't notice it and let her do it.

I honestly told her why I transferred to Jyoukanetu.

"When I was at Hokubu(northern), I admired Mayumi's figure. Her figure as a doctor and as a surgeon. But I couldn't see her true figure as a lover. I couldn't see the true figure of the person I loved."

I realized that when Mayumi's funeral was over. Mayumi would never smile at me again. I was aware of that, but I refused to accept it.

Rituko listened to my story with her head down, holding her hands tightly....

After Mayumi's funeral, something in me collapsed.

The figure of Mayumi that I had aimed for was no longer in this hospital.

No, she no longer exists in this world. Only the afterimage of the memory in my heart was always wandering in my mind.

"That's right, you were like you had lost everything at that time, and only your existence was floating in a state."

Rituko said quietly.

"That's when it happened. A woman who was brought in by emergency, a traffic accident. Aortic rupture, as soon as I opened the chest, blood gushed out from inside."

Until then, I had confidence in myself before I lost Mayumi.

I could handle any case.

No, I was full of confidence that I could do it.

I cut off the words that Mayumi said to me, "You are not cut out for surgery," from my head.

Only that glittering ambition supported me, maybe. At that time.

I opened the side chest of the woman who was brought in, suctioned the bleeding blood, identified the bleeding part, and clamped the nearby blood vessels.

But the bleeding didn't stop.

There was also a supervising doctor with me at that time.

The blood pressure dropped rapidly, and the heartbeat became weak.

I immediately put my hand on the heart and performed cardiac massage.

Meanwhile, the supervising doctor tried to find the bleeding part.

...But he stopped.

---And then.

He said only one word and left the operating table.

"Why? There's still a chance, isn't there? Come back please."

I shouted at the supervising doctor while continuing the cardiac massage. But the only word that came back from him was.

"It's useless, you don't have to do anything useless."

He took off his surgical gown and left the treatment room.

My hand stopped too.

I let go of the heart that was still warm with blood.

At that moment, if Mayumi was there, if it was Mayumi, maybe I could have saved her. No, Mayumi wouldn't have given up.

If it was Mayumi...

Those words were the only thing that ran through my head at that time.

And then, for the first time, I realized. ...Mayumi is not here anymore.

When I saw the woman lying in front of me. I felt angry at myself for not being able to save her, and the scene when Mayumi was brought in came back to me.

She was brought in by emergency.

Covered in red blood... Mayumi's figure...

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emergency doctor

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